Let’s take a stand against sitting down (and clean living killjoys)
Slouched up against a window, sore of back, desperate of loo, but trapped by two slumbering neighbours: the indignities of sitting on flights may soon be numbered.
A no-frills Colombian carrier has announced that it is exploring standing seats on its planes. With passengers strapped into what look like bar stools in order to squeeze more people in, crude market forces may be what drive us on to our feet. Rejoice!
As we are regularly told, standing up is so much better for us than sitting. It’s good for our spine. It helps us metabolise sugar better, staving off obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and even some types of cancer. And wouldn’t it be lovely if we all got off our backsides and started to bounce around, spines straight, springy in the ankles and knees?
We know from history that those who eschew sitting for standing achieve more. Winston Churchill wrote at a special standing desk; Nietzsche took philosophical inspiration from laborious walks down a rocky precipice in the south of France; Virginia Woolf said “to walk alone in London is the greatest rest”.
Yes, a future where we abandon our slothful existence is a future I can get behind – even if its inspiration is a budget airline, rather than Nietzsche’s Riviera ambles.
But stand still for a minute. Won’t the cleanliving brigade do what they do to every other good idea: make it ridiculous? We all know that gluten can cause bloating; carbs should be limited; and we should avoid additives and hidden sugars. But before long, these insights are taken up by some Californian evangelist and ruined for the rest of us.
The simple idea that eating healthily can benefit your overall wellbeing had dignity until Gwyneth Paltrow came along and created Goop, a lifestyle cult based on the idea. Now it’s considered acceptable to talk about your “wellness universe”, and how necessary “bone broth” is to your continued existence. A kitchen pantry without arrowroot powder, kimchi or gluten-free tamari? You’re signing your own death warrant.
It needn’t be this way. Standing up doesn’t have to join the ranks of the placenta capsule (yes, turning your placenta into a powder, and ingesting it, as Mad Men star January Jones advises); oxygen shots (see Simon Cowell for details); caffeinated lotions (for tightening skin); sweatinducing hot suits (burning calories); purple-only diets (Mariah Carey swears by plums and cabbage), and possibly the most ghastly: segmented sleep, intended to bring us closer to how our ancestors snoozed. This time could be different.
Workplaces can start forcing their staff to stand during their lunch breaks. Shoe shops can stock footwear of the most agonising variety – after all, if standing for hours on end is good, surely standing on little spikey soles is even better? The very hardest and least forgiving of clogs could be added to school uniform requirements. Restaurants can install standing tables only, instigating special lotteries for bar stool seating, and banish those who demand to sit to a special outdoor area, without access to waiter service. Currently, standing is the cheapest way to go to the theatre or the Proms. Those days will soon be gone – people will pay through the nose to have Handel’s notes wash over their vertical selves.
Such heady delights could lie ahead. Oh, don’t sit down. You’ll ruin your posture. follow Zoe Strimpel on Twitter @zstrimpel; read more at telegraph.co.uk/opinion