Middle-class kitchens,
Kirstie Allsopp insists it’s no place to keep a washing machine – Debora Robertson reveals other key ‘kitchen status’ indicators
Yesterday was a big day for the British domestic arts. We’d only just got past the bombshell that Americans somehow struggle on without the benefit of kettles or egg cups, and that they believe mince on sourdough toast is a classic British dish, when Miss Kirstie Mary Allsopp launched a homemaker grenade. She responded to someone remarking that the Americans in his office thought the British habit of having washing machines in the kitchen was odd with: “It’s disgusting. My life’s work is in part dedicated to getting washing machines out of the kitchen.”
The reaction would have been more muted if she had suggested a boot room was essential for civilised life. (Which, let’s face it .... No. I’ll leave it there.)
It appears that there is no war like a kitchen war. Miss Allsopp’s tongue-incheek remark about washing machines having no place in modern kitchens was met with incandescent fury from those who thought she should check her kitchen privilege. People took to social media pointing out not every house in Britain had a utility room, with one wag asking if she thought he should keep his washing machine in his second home.
So are our kitchens betraying us? Does the wrong kind of counter or the wrong shade of wall mark us out as social pariahs? Are microwaves socially acceptable now? Is it all over for the Aga? These are the important questions of our time – these are the new middle-class kitchen indicators.
Green is not grey
I’m sorry to break this to you so bluntly, but Downpipe Grey’s had its day. All of those slate-y, pigeon-y colours now feel a bit austere. We’ve got enough to worry about without doing it gazing at a wall the colour of a leaden sky. Any self-respecting home is green in every possible sense. From soothing sage to brilliant emerald green on surfaces, to jungly, leafy, floral prints on curtains, blinds, chair covers, lamps – loosen up and love the leaves. If you’re particularly racy, liven it all up with a bit of pink. Basically, channel the spirit of Lilly Pulitzer and you’ll be fine.
Dishwashers
You have only one dishwasher? Bless your heart. Look around you. Most middle-class households have drawer dishwashers now, so you can do half a load at a time, or put the pans in a heavy wash, the glasses in a light one. I have one of these and the instructions include special advice for the plumber from a rabbi for those who want to keep kosher – it allows you to stack meat and dairy dishes separately. Religiously inclusive appliances: so right for now.
Copper
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the smartest households are experiencing a chrome-over. No more sparkling silvery hues or brushed stainless steel, now everyone’s copper crazy. Brushed, sparkling, oxidised, otherwise tarnished and aged, copper allows you to bring a little Gin Still Chic to your home. It’s being used for everything from taps and sinks to counters and splashbacks.
Boiling taps
Every kitchen designer will tell you that you need one. But do you? Personally, those minutes I spend gazing aimlessly into space while waiting for the kettle to boil are some of my favourites of the day – there are those who make fortunes from encouraging this sort of activity simply by labelling it “mindfulness”. Purists will tell you that boiling water taps don’t aerate the water enough to make good tea. But I suppose they provide a much better alternative to the sneaking trend for heating water in the microwave. Never do that. We are not those people.
Wine fridges
Wine fridges are so small, so handy, so happy-making, are relatively inexpensive and add to the instant jollity of the masses. Squeeze one in if you can. With their subtle illumination, they double up as Moët-powered mood lighting too, so they really do earn their keep.
Marble
Shiny granite or quartz counter tops feel too blingy. Now it’s all about honed marble. Who cares if it chips like chalk and stains like silk? So much character, darling. Added bonus: it makes your kitchen feel like a lovely old bar, thus conspiring with the wine fridge.
Microwave drawer
These have replaced warming drawers as the must-have drawer-based item. They suit those who think it is unspeakably naff to own a microwave but would still like to have popcorn on movie night or porridge for breakfast without spending their best years cleaning pans. Added bonus: it saves counter space for your tabletop terrarium.
Recycling
Show your dedication to the planet by installing a pull-out recycling drawer (aka Virtue Signal Central) which allows you to presort your bottles, tins and compostable waste into separate little compartments. This is what we do for kicks now (this may or may not be linked to the wine fridge becoming essential to
human life).
Eye-level loveliness
After decades of gargantuan, look-at-me ranges bullying their way into kitchen centre stage, like buffaloes at a gazelle convention, the wall-mounted cooker is enjoying its moment. Possibly we all decided it might be nice to be able to see what we were doing, probably we all got too exhausted from the constant bending down and our knees finally went. Unexpected downside: nowhere to dry the tea towels.
Try a little tenderness
In revolt against all of the clinical, minimalist stylings of yore, colour, texture and fun are creeping into middle class kitchens in the form of rugs, cosy armchairs, good lamps, proper pictures (kids’ drawings on the fridge don’t count) and wooden chairs painted in random colours. Matchy-matchy is so timid and dreary. Of course, a washing machine with this style of kitchen will ruin the look, which means Kirstie Allsopp may be one step ahead of us after all.