THE 10 THINGS WE CAN EXPECT FROM THE FEMALE DOCTOR WHO

So, what changes will we see under the first double-xed Doctor in Whovian history? No leaks as yet but, says Lucy Mangan, the possibilities include: 1

Pre-credits sequence of her wearily explaining to everyone she meets that, no, it’s not “Nurse Who” 2

…and why, although she’s 897 years old, she’s not exploring IVF yet 3

Once every four episodes she blows up every planet she damn well pleases, as well as anyone who’s ever cracked a joke about how badly she parks the Tardis 4 She will look less like your grandma than Peter Capaldi did. And she will also be wearing more practical work clothes. Anyone serious about saving galaxies does not fanny about with threepiece velvet suits, droopy cuffs and ruffled shirts. 5

We’ve never seen the Doctor’s bedroom, but we know that from now on the sheets will be changed more than once in a Gallifreyan moon 6

The series will be recorded at twice the current volume so it can still be heard over the sound of furious typing by even more furious

manbabies raging about a Tardis full of bras, and how sonic screwdrivers are being replaced by heliocentric hairgrips 7

More aware members of the community will try to defuse the tension by wondering whether having two hearts means she also has four boobs 8

Programme volume will then dip during a period of silence that follows this last thought 9

Every episode to be 20minutes shorter, thanks to new Doctor’s ability to multitask. And every series to be three episodes shorter because,

once vanquished, foes stay vanquished because it’s quicker just to do the job properly the first time than have to keep coming back again and again 10

End credits showing Jodie Whittaker having a restorative gin and a fag with Wonder

Woman’s Gal Gadot and

Star Trek’s Kate Mulgrew and Jennifer Lawrence, playing Who’s Been Tweeted the Greatest False Equivalency Today game. Whittaker wins every time, with an online commentator asking “Why not a female replacement for Ant Mcpartlin in Ant & Dec?”