Linda Blair

Long-distance love: how to make it work when you’re apart

The number of couples in long-distance relationships (LDRS) is on the rise, owing primarily to the decrease in job security that means many couples have to spend time apart if both are to remain employed and/or create stability of location for their family. The fact that many young adults already in a relationship go to university means rates are particularly high for those in their twenties and thirties.

The factors that matter most to those in a relationship – trust, mutual commitment, good communication, comfortable levels of independence, and mutually satisfying levels of intimacy – are the same whether couples live together, nearby or apart. There are, however, unique challenges faced by those in LDRS. Brooks Aylor, at La Salle University, found four factors that set LDRS apart from others.

First, there’s an increased financial burden to maintain the relationship. Second is the difficulty defining friendships with others, in particular keeping those friendships within mutually agreed boundaries. Third are the high expectations that individuals create for their partner while they’re apart. Finally, Aylor feels it’s more difficult for couples who communicate from afar to assess the state of the relationship and estimate accurately the strength of emotion each partner is trying to express. How might these issues be addressed?

Prioritise frequent meetings, even though this may be costly. Aylor, together with colleague Marianne Dainton, found that couples in LDRS who had frequent face-toface contact experienced less jealousy, were more trusting, and felt more satisfied in their relationship. Interestingly, Gregory Guldner and Clifford Swensen at Purdue University found no significant difference between levels of relationship satisfaction and overall time couples spend together, so total time isn’t as important as frequency of meetings. More frequent encounters also mean there’s less time to idealise one another when apart.

With social media it’s possible to communicate face to face without being in the same place. However, the myriad non-verbal cues you pick up (mostly unconsciously) when you’re together allow you to feel more confident you’re “reading” your partner accurately.

Establish ground rules before separating, and review them regularly. Rather than trying to please others, create rules that work for the two of you.

Make plans and share experiences; for example, watch the same films or programmes while apart, then share your reactions.

Vary the ways that you communicate – sending letters and gifts make interactions feel more personalised.

Finally, if you’re struggling in an LDR, take heart: in a survey of 485 individuals, Dainton found those in LDRS felt their relationship met or exceeded their expectations more often than those whose partner was nearby.