YOU KNOW YOU’RE 36 WHEN…

Everyone starts speaking a strange language, consisting of words such as “soft play”, “league tables” and Paw Patrol

A “night out” consists of an hour in the pub, with friends spent constantly checking phones to make sure the kids’ dad hasn’t accidentally killed them

People suddenly start displaying an encyclopedic knowledge of the Ofsted reports of every school in a 50-mile radius

Mentions of dating elicit sympathetic sighs and comments from friends such as “I would have loved to try all these apps, but they didn’t exist when I was single.” See also: “He might pop the question” when it’s close to your birthday / you are going on holiday

Everyone’s seen every box-set that’s ever been made, but nobody’s seen Dunkirk

– because that would involve actually going to the cinema