Midlife guide to... the beachtail

What’s that you’re wearing… y’know, down there?

Oh, this? This is my beautiful new beachtail. Snazzy, isn’t it?

Umm…

Why are you blushing? Is it because I have some jewellery hanging from my nether regions?

Yes, that would be it. I just can’t understand what it’s doing there.

Tut! It’s the new thing. You hang it from your bikini bottoms and then it just dangles elegantly. The charms on the end of the chain come in different colours too, so there’s something for everyone really.

Sorry, but there are issues here. First, why? Secondly, what about chafing? Thirdly, what if it gets caught on something? And fourthly – again – why?

Why not? They’re calling them “sexy charms for bikini crotch”, and who wouldn’t want to brighten up that unused space beneath your bikini bottoms? It’s a shame to waste it when you could fill it with £15 crotch jewellery.

Just who came up with this genius idea?

The Japanese brand Bodivas. You’ll know them for their nipple nooses and also their Ladies’ Clips, which can be comfortably fitted around your…

OK, can I stop you there, please. I think I get the idea.

Fine. I’ll be off then. Oh… ouch. I think it’s got caught on my chair. I don’t suppose you could help me? OWW, DON’T PULL IT, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!