HOW TATLER IS YOUR TODDLER?

While Facebook is flooded with photos of cheery children going back to school, spare a thought for those who still have toddlers at home. And to make matters worse, our little ones are already being judged on their manners. Tatler magazine has just published a guide to toddler etiquette. So how Tatler is your toddler? Add up your points to find out.

The supermarket meltdown. We’ve all been there – and all you want to do is bury yourself under the frozen peas. If the supermarket in question is Waitrose, award yourself five posh points. Have another five if the tantrum is because the hummus you just put in the trolley isn’t organic. Ten points if you only shop at the farmers’ market, and don’t even know what a trolley is.

The dressing-up box row. When you’re having a play date, Tatler advises always allowing the host child to pick their outfit first. No points if their favourite is firefighter or astronaut. Five points if they prefer a historical figure. Ten points if their fancy dress of choice is any of the following: barrister, polo player, viscount.

The poo in the pool. Swim nappies are not failsafe. There’s no shame quite like that of seeing a swimming pool evacuated because your child has, well, evacuated. No points if this happens to you in the local leisure centre. Five points if you’re in the pool at Center Parcs. Ten if you’re in the one in your back garden, and it doesn’t matter because you have a spare swimming pool in the basement.

The restaurant tantrum. You’re trying to enjoy a lovely meal, but your toddler has other ideas. No points for pulling out the ipad. Five points if you prepared a neatly packed bag of phonics books, maths activities, and cursive handwriting worksheets. Ten points if you invite your toddler to join in a round of Canasta.

Results

0-20 points: Your toddler is less Tatler, more Take a Break.

20-40: Not bad. Try improving your score by being more posh.

Over 40: Well done, you are Kate Middleton.