Two years on, Mrs May still hasn’t grasped the key point about Corbyn
Theresa May has a peculiar habit. Whenever Jeremy Corbyn criticises her Government at PMQS, she retorts that the last Labour government was far worse. Yesterday, for example, Mr Corbyn complained about tuition fees. Mrs May replied that tuition fees were introduced by the last Labour government. To judge from her look of triumph, she appeared to believe she’d scored a decisive point, and exposed Mr Corbyn as a hypocrite.
Remarkably, even though it’s now two whole years since he shot from backbench outcast to party leader, Mrs May still hasn’t grasped the key point about Mr Corbyn.
Namely, that he has an even lower opinion of the last Labour government than she does.
Yesterday, Mr Corbyn chose to ignore her mysterious logic, but one of these days, I swear, he’s going to hop to his feet, fix her with that mad piratical stare he does when he’s cross, and shout: “Yes, I know the last Labour government introduced tuition fees! And took us into Iraq, and lumbered hospitals with PFI, and pelted the poor with boiled sweets while guffawing maniacally! I hated it!
“All of it! I couldn’t stand the last Labour government! I voted against the last Labour government more times than you did! The last Labour government was led by Tony Blair!
“In my admittedly eccentric interpretation of the political spectrum, Tony Blair is to the Right of Attila the Hun!
“So there’s not much point going, ‘Yeah, well, Tony Blair didn’t have a very good record in office’, because, get this, I AGREE WITH YOU!
“And the next Labour government will quite obviously not be like the last Labour government, because instead of that Murdoch-loving neoliberal sell-out, it will be led by an actual, fullon, hammer-and-sickle, loony Leftwinger; ME! For pity’s sake! Exactly how many forced labour camps will I need to open before you get it into your hapless skull that I AM NOT A BLAIRITE!”
I think that would be the finest speech of Mr Corbyn’s life. If he wants permission to deliver it, he can call The Telegraph’s syndication department on 0207 931 1010. I believe he will find our rates very reasonable.
Yesterday’s PMQS was not the most gripping – in the words of one despairing reporter afterwards, “I’ve seen plays more interesting than that” – but it was at least memorable for the sight of MPS demonstrating their support for British farmers by wearing ears of wheat in their lapels.
Mrs May once confessed that the “naughtiest” thing she did as a youth was “running through fields of wheat”. I hope this didn’t bring back too many traumatic memories.
The torpor was temporarily lifted when an earnest-looking Tory, Nigel Huddleston (Mid Worcs), asked Mrs May what he could do to help increase the number of female MPS.
“Resign,” shouted too many people to count.