Apart from blather about Florence, all we got from May were old banalities

Was that it? Seriously? That was it? Really?

Yesterday Theresa May dragged her Chancellor, her Foreign Secretary and her Brexit Secretary, plus the British print and broadcasting media, all the way to Florence in Italy, in order to read them a speech on Brexit that lasted 35 minutes. If she’d boiled it down to the only significant new information it contained, it would have lasted 30 seconds.

Essentially: the Prime Minister wants Britain to stay in the EU for an extra two years, to give her more time to sort out Brexit. This will be called an “implementation period”. During it, freedom of movement will continue, although there will be a “registration system” for new arrivals.

And that, more or less, was it. She did not say how much money she was prepared to pay Brussels in the “divorce bill”.

Nor did she say what sort of trade relationship with the EU she wanted – other than that it shouldn’t be like membership of the European Economic Area, or a Canada-style free trade arrangement (the two models most commonly mooted).

Instead, pretty much all she did – apart from blather wetly about Florence and the Renaissance in the manner of an A-level history essay – was puff out the same old weary banalities we’ve heard from her countless times before. Brexit, she informed us, represented a “defining moment”.

It would be “a new chapter”. It offered “opportunity”. It presented “shared challenges”, and required us to be “creative”.

The future, however, was “bright”. Britain and the EU would form “a deep and special relationship”.

What that “deep and special relationship” would be like, however, she once again neglected to reveal. “The question,” she said sagely, “is how we get there.”

Honestly. I wanted to scream. OF COURSE THAT’S THE QUESTION, PRIME MINISTER. IT’S YOUR JOB TO ANSWER IT. THAT’S WHY YOU’RE GIVING THIS SPEECH.

THIS ISN’T A VOX POP IN THE STREET WITH A BEWILDERED SHOPPER FOR A REGIONAL LUNCHTIME NEWS BULLETIN. IT’S A MAJOR SPEECH BY THE PRIME MINISTER. WHO HAPPENS TO BE YOU. IT’S NOW 15 MONTHS SINCE THE REFERENDUM. SO FOR PITY’S SAKE, DON’T JUST STAND THERE WIBBLING ABOUT “THE QUESTION”.

TELL US THE ANSWER. OR AT LEAST GIVE US SOME SENSE, HOWEVER FAINT, THAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY WORKING TOWARDS ONE.

Presumably to make this dust-cloud of vacuity seem “optimistic” and “positive”, she kept trying to smile and speak at the same time, as if she were an American television weather forecaster.

It was so squirmingly awkward and self-conscious, it made Gordon Brown look like Angelina Jolie.

Still, not everyone thought so. As he shuffled out at the end, journalists leapt upon Boris Johnson.

“Uplifting… positive… confident,” he burbled. “Attractive vision… strong UK… Taking back control…”

Mrs May is no nearer reaching a deal with the EU. But at least she seems to have reached some kind of deal with Mr Johnson.

‘It was so awkward and self-conscious, it made Gordon Brown look like Angelina Jolie’