Wipe yer tears, Theresa. Here’s how the SAS would sort it

Earlier this week there was an astounding report about the aftermath of this year’s general election. It claimed that an official at Number 10 had suggested asking the Special Air Service (SAS) to send one of the boys round to give Theresa May a bit of a pep talk after the Conservatives’ disastrous result left her “absolutely beaten, grey-skinned”.

Well if there was a grain of truth in that story, then it may be an idea worth revisiting after Mrs May’s conference speech debacle.

If this was true (I think the director of Special Forces would have greeted this idea with a very wry smile) what could the content of the talk be?

In order to be selected for service with the SAS as an officer, the candidates have to go through the gruelling, sleep-deprived “officers’ week”. The hopefuls are set planning tasks and then grilled on their plan by a room filled with serving officers, soldiers and NCOS, who love nothing more than tugging the tail of a “Rupert”, as the officers are affectionately known.

I recall this both as a victim during my own selection process and as one of the tormentors when I was operations officer in the mid-nineties. The point of the whole thing was that there was no right answer in front of the hostile audience. It was to test the character of the candidate to see if they would survive the next couple of years leading the militant trade union offshoot known as an SAS Troop.

I recall vividly the many “Chinese parliaments” – as troop planning sessions were known – with every man apparently an expert in any given subject, but with the troop commander ultimately responsible for the outcome.

It was, I reckon, a bit like a Conservative Government Cabinet meeting. (I imagine that a Labour shadow cabinet meeting is more like those portrayed by Mike Myers’s Dr Evil in the Austin Powers series).

I can see Theresa now, sitting with “Chippy” Fox, “Tubby” Johnson, “Wee Speccy” Gove, “Basher” Davis et al, and quietly weeping as they yell: “What are we gonna do now, boss?”, as they wave the latest polls.

The idea is that at some point the troop commander has to raise his hand and say “Got it! Now here’s what we’re gonna do.” It was always amazing that in the silence that followed there was deep concentration followed by “On it, boss”, “Consider it done”, and “No probs”, as the boys got busy.

Well, that speech might go like this:

Theresa, you’re the boss, not their mate. Tell ‘em to pipe down. OK there was a cock-up on the election “the strong and stable” stuff was b-------; get over it. You won the election – start walking and talking like a winner. A leader. If yonder bearded wee mole-catcher can do it, so can you.

Secondly, start listening, too. Not to the Cabinet – listen to Corbyn. Listen carefully and remember what Napoleon said: ‘Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake’. He makes a mistake every time he opens his mouth. Log it and when the time is right whack him over the head with it. Hard.

As for those gnomes in Europe tell ‘Basher’ to give it to them straight. Make them understand we’ll get a bit of respect from them or it’s gonna hurt. Them.

Finally, wipe yer tears and get on with it. The

waiting.’ country is

Colonel Tim Collins is a retired British Army officer who served in the SAS