Weight-loss tips from planet normal
Real-life weight loss tips from planet normal Celebrities are always offering anodyne tips about staying healthy but here is what you really need to know
It’s always welcome when women share their life tips. Elle Macpherson says, dehydrate your food; Kate Winslet recently recommended not weighing ourselves (as an antidote to obsessing about size); before that, Joanna Lumley’s personal tip was to pass on the fairy cakes; and Nigella’s was yoga. Every other day someone famous pops up with a nugget of advice, such as chewing a lot (Sam Cam) or drinking a glass of water on waking (Blake Lively).
Still. In our opinion, the A-list never goes far enough. Possibly for fear of accidentally saying something like “Get a live-in personal trainer; plant an arboretum and jog around it,” their advice tends to be somewhat anodyne. So, for all the women out there craving tips from a “normal”, I have the following:
Don’t weigh yourself but, equally, don’t kid yourself that elevenses (eg a flapjack and a macchiato) is a good idea for an adult woman. Also step away from those tiny packets of mixed nuts, goji berries and coconut flakes, which I think we all know are muffins disguised as a Californian post-workout snack.
Don’t have the extra two glasses of wine and the cocktail; while that works pretty well on the night (some accounts differ) the next day you will be supplementing your elevenses with
twoses
(another sandwich), fourses (biscuits), crisps before dinner, a bowl of cereal before bed etc. With a hangover, you can consume three regular days worth of calories. Easy.
Don’t listen to the new hairdresser who tells you, after much face-framing and squinting in the mirror, that you would suit a pixie cut. You almost certainly won’t. Successful pixies include Audrey Hepburn, Jean Seberg and Mia Farrow – if you think about it, it’s a small club. Also you will feel galumphing and naked and have to buy a whole new wardrobe to balance out your exposed upper half.
Don’t be easy-going about your hairdresser. Nothing makes you look fat and old faster than a bad haircut.
That said, high-waisted or boyfriend jeans are also up there. Also a bra that last fitted you properly in 2006, knickers that are a size too small, and wearing your sunglasses or specs on your head.
Don’t let them put the bread on the restaurant table. You’ll ignore it. With a hangover, you can consume three days worth of calories. Easy You’ll ignore it. Then you’ll be fighting over it and asking for more.
Don’t think “my legs have another six months in them... therefore, I am throwing a fancy dress party – theme Boogie
Nights – and I am going as Rollergirl”.
Be wary of oversized fashion. Meghan Markle may look cute in a boyfriend shirt but the rule of carrying off “boyfriend” anything is that the wearer should be slight and pert underneath. Otherwise, you just look blokey.
Don’t buy the tin of Celebrations because it’s on offer. See, too, the Sweet Chilli Sensations crisps.
Don’t finish off all the food just because it’s easier than cling-filming it and putting it in the fridge, and better than wasting it.
Don’t eat nothing all day and then at about 7.15pm, in your friend’s kitchen, start scoffing everything in sight including (whoops) the dog’s grilled chicken breast.
Don’t go swimming – if you’re not used to it, it makes you ravenous.
Don’t believe the stuff about eating celery burning more calories than the celery contains. Celery is a gateway food. It’s never just celery is it? There will be dips, and where there are dips there are crisps and olives and then cheese.