POWER OF THE SHOWER MINIMAL EFFORT, MAXIMUM GRATIFICATION

Tim Loughton MP may believe that “One of the greatest causes of stress in the world was the invention of the shower,” but he couldn’t be further from the mark.

Will the water stay warm? Do I wash my hair in the bath proper, or with the shower head?

I’m certain that rinsing shouldn’t trigger an existential crisis, but the thought of spending an hour every morning languishing in my own filth leaves me as cold as the bath water inevitably runs.

While Loughton extols the virtues of a 60-minute soak before work, it’s hard to imagine another form of basic hygiene that requires so much admin. Getting up ahead of schedule to fill your own personal bain-marie, sprinkling it with dubious smellies from the back of the bathroom cabinet and marinating for an hour are not tasks that should afflict the bleary-eyed.

Showers are, after all, one of the great joys of the modern world: the perfect encapsulation of the minimal effort, maximum gratification lifestyle we now demand. Hot, quick and guaranteed to get the job done – what else could one want upon waking?

Given that his constituency of East Worthing and Shoreham is rather more than a stone’s throw from Westminster, and that being an MP presumably entails a plethora of engagements before the afternoon rolls around, just how early must Loughton be getting up for these sploshathons?

The politician does not spend his extravagant bath-based time re-enacting the plot of Splash but rather “thinking about things,” adding that he views the pursuit as akin to “going to the gym for the mind”.

If Loughton has an extra hour to play with each morning, he might consider going to the actual gym instead.

There, they even let you shower for free. Charlotte Lytton