I’m cute, therefore I am: the new rule of evolution run by man

Earth has entered the “anthropocene” – the geological era of man – so large has been our impact on the planet. As masters of our world, we have become zookeepers at large and directors of evolution all at once. We chose which animals to save and which to breed for their usefulness. And now it turns out we’re even influencing their development in the wild.

Birds are so popular in Britain, and our cold snaps so frequent, that we’ve been feeding them for 130 years. And thanks to the difficulty of having to reach into a bird feeder (you wouldn’t want to encourage squirrels, of course), their beaks have evolved to become that little bit longer than those of their continental counterparts.

What the humble blue tit has cottoned on to – which the grey squirrel, so hated that there are volunteer groups dedicated to murdering them, has not – is that when humans are the dominant factor deciding your survival, you have to be cute. Sure, you can be useful; chickens have guaranteed their existence for as long as civilisation persists by being plump, juicy, and oh so tasty. But chickens get eaten. In their billions. Every month. So it’s better to be cute.

Just look at conservation. There’s the giant panda: fertile for only three days a year and barely capable of mustering an ounce of lust for those brief 72 hours of spring, while also fitted with the digestive system of a carnivore but interested only in eating grass with the nutritional value of toothbrush bristles. But it’s cute, with big black eyes and a fluffy, podgy face, so we drop everything to save it.

Or how about the axolotl, otherwise known as the Mexican salamander? It’s conventionally pretty weird looking, but when it “smiles”, well, it’s a knockout. That, too, goes on the save list.

But the poor blobfish? It only looks that ugly because you dragged it from the deepest part of the ocean and it’s swelling from the altitude. Tough; it’s extinction for Mr Blobfish. His only hope is to make people love him ironically.

But before you get too excited, staring down from the heights of evolution’s Mount Olympus as you decide the lives of mere animal beings, you should remember one thing. The relationship goes both ways. Animals are figuring us out, too, and leading the pack is the dog in your living room.

Scientists have confirmed what you may have suspected all along: those puppy eyes were developed specifically to manipulate us. Dogs have learned pleading expressions which they only use on humans – to guilt trip us into giving them some of our plump, juicy chicken, or to let them off the hook when they’ve eaten all the wine gums in our handbags before putting them back halfdigested.

Everyone likes a symbiotic relationship, but just keep an eye on those canines. You don’t want to have to convince them that you are cute.

FOLLOW Daniel Capurro on Twitter @Capurroddaniel; read more at telegraph.co.uk/opinion