Weary Davis hands out fudge for the vipers to sink their teeth into

Ilove watching David Davis in the Commons. His body language says so much about him. Other ministers simply stand at the dispatch box. Mr Davis, however, leans against it, on one elbow, while jauntily waving his spectacles around in his free hand. He makes it look as if, rather than answering questions in Parliament on matters of grave national import, he’s leaning against the bar of his favourite pub, having a chinwag with the landlord while waiting for his pint to settle.

Yesterday, though, the Brexit Secretary seemed to lack his usual blokeish twinkle. He’d been summoned to the House to explain why, the day before, he’d told a select committee that MPS might not get to vote on the final Brexit deal until after Brexit had taken place. As he hauled himself to his feet, Mr Davis looked uncharacteristically weary. You could tell what he was thinking. All this dratted bother: having to write a statement, read it out, spend the next 45 minutes answering angry questions about it... and all because of one tiny, unthinking slip.

“We’ve been very clear right from the start…” he began, tiredly. Labour MPS guffawed. “What a mess!” snorted Sir Keir Starmer, Mr Davis’s opposite number.

The Government, sighed the Brexit Secretary, still “expects and intends” MPS to get a “meaningful vote” before Britain leaves the EU in March 2019.

Labour and Tory Remainers, though, were not satisfied. What, they demanded to know, did “meaningful” mean? Surely a vote would only be meaningful if MPS could tell the Government to reopen negotiations? If they could only choose between accepting the Government’s deal and leaving the EU with no deal, was that really a choice at all? (If this does prove to be the choice on offer, it could give rise to a fascinating spectacle: Labour Remainers voting with the Government in order to avoid no deal, while some Tory Brexiteers vote against the Government in order to secure no deal.)

In general, Remainer MPS were pretty cross – and by far the crossest was Barry Sheerman. “Can I say this [to Mr Davis] in the friendliest of terms,” began the Labour MP for Huddersfield, ominously, “will he stop FUDGING? We understand why he FUDGED yesterday – because the nest of VIPERS behind him MAKE him a fudger! Stop FUDGING!”

Even before Mr Sheerman had finished shouting about fudge, the Commons was in uproar.

“What?” spluttered Sir Desmond Swayne, a vocal Tory Brexiteer. “Me? A viper?”

Soothingly, the Speaker reassured Sir Desmond that neither he, nor any other MP, was a viper. However, he added, the use of the word “viper” was not in itself unparliamentary.

Labour MPS were delighted. “Ssssssssssssss!” they hissed at Sir Desmond with relish. “Ssssssssssssss!”

Sir Desmond appeared to take the joke in good part, although word later went round that several Labour MPS had been rushed to hospital with severe bites to their ankles.