Cupboard of shame

10 things you should not buy, because you will never need them

At the start of Nigella’s new television series, we were treated to a glimpse of her shameful secret – “the cupboard under the stairs” (CUTS), overflowing with unused gadgets, including the inevitable spiraliser. In TV terms, this is probably called the “relatable hook” because, while the audience may not have a twinkly house in Chelsea, we all have a cupboard – or the bedroom that used to belong to the eldest – which is now a dump for things we regret buying. (Note: if you are looking for a sign of advancing middle age, it is the point when every time you see your children you try to offload your crêpe pans, wire baskets and Morrocan pouffes in the hope that this justifies having bought them in the first place.) We are all at it and we all have the same 10 things we wish we hadn’t bought.

1

The spiraliser

Surely the pinnacle of pointless kitchen equipment – even if Nigella says you can use it for shoestring chips (you won’t, because that window closed about a year ago). Using a spiraliser now would be like serving eggs in aspic. It would be like getting everyone over for a David Bowie memorial night.

2

The jamon holder

Turned out to be a one-year wonder (2015-16). Takes up loads of space, eternally greasy, have lost one of the screws and, besides, we have reached peak jamon (see, jamon is the new avocado). 3

The one-down-from-adyson fan Back in June, immediately after the Night of Unbearable Heat, this seemed like a lifesaver, but then it was never that hot again. Probably never will be. And now we are stuck with a fan the size of a grain silo.

4 A surface sink tidy

Managed for decades without one, and then one day it looked like a modern lifestyle essential. Now, tidying the sink tidy is another thing to do. It sits there empty, with the brush and the Fairy liquid and the scouring thing wedged next to it. It’s hours from being put you-know-where. 5

The turntable plus super-woofer Can’t move this into the CUTS for another year because of having to maintain the fiction it was worth all the money, even if some people foresaw that, after rebuying Blonde on Blonde, Crime of the Century, etc and listening to them back to back over a long weekend, it would be Spotify again, all the way. 6

The inflatable exercise ball Brilliant. But if you don’t have a basement gym, where does it go? Once, about 15 years ago, we had the same problem with a giant weighted hula-hoop: guaranteed weight loss, if you can stand the bruising. That spent three weeks propped against the wall by the front door, then straight to CUTS. 7

The body-brushing mitt Where has that even got to? Maybe the same place as the anti-cellulite massage thing and the automatic water jet dental flosser: if you barely floss manually, you not only know this isn’t going to make the difference, you know you’re never going to use it. Weird.

8

The Sopranos box-set

Just too late. Because you are not going back there, you do not have the time. As it is, we are behind on Narcos, Suburra, Fargo, Veep, The Vietnam War, and… oh

dear God.

9 Weights.

Very important for the 40-plusses. Where best to use? What if we keep them in the bathroom? What if we put them under the sofa within easy reach? Or how about in the CUTS, with the yoga mat?

10

Another straw basket

Always fall for it two days before the end of the holiday. The world’s least versatile, least storable item. And why would you ever need two?

Sound at all familiar?