Ah! Do I detect a bunch of self-congratulatory Holmesian Tory MPS?

Acorrection. A few weeks ago, I may inadvertently have given the impression that the worst thing about PMQS was the selfrighteous pointing by MPS at their opponents.

I now wish to retract that remark, or, as we say in Westminster these days, to “clarify” it.

In fact, the self-righteous pointing is only the second worst thing about PMQS.

That’s because the worst thing about PMQS is … “Ah!”

“Ah!” is heard so often at PMQS, it practically qualifies as a catchphrase. It’s unbelievably grating.

Almost invariably the culprits are Tory MPS, who exclaim it en masse, in triumphant italics, whenever Theresa May produces a fact that contradicts an opponent’s criticism.

“Ah!” cries each Tory MP, in the manner of some sub-holmesian fictional detective in a deerstalker hat, pouncing on a crucial new clue.

“Ah!” each one shouts, squinting keenly through his or her magnifying glass.

Yesterday’s PMQS was a good one for Theresa May, because her MPS gave her lots of “Ah!”

Indeed, they gave her at least one “Ah!” during each of her six replies to Jeremy Corbyn.

When Mr Corbyn complained that crime was up, Mrs May told him that according to the Independent Crime Survey, it was actually down. “Ah!” exclaimed the Tory detectives.

When Mr Corbyn complained that the target waiting time in A&E wasn’t being met, Mrs May told him that, compared with 2010, 1,800 more patients a day were now seen inside the target time.

“Ah!” exclaimed the Tory detectives. When Mr Corbyn complained that the richest weren’t paying enough tax, Mrs May told him that “the tax gap” was lower than ever – and that if it were as high now as it had been under Labour, “We’d be losing the equivalent of the entire police budget for England and Wales!”

“Ah!” exclaimed the Tory detectives.

The biggest “Ah!” came after Mr Corbyn read out a letter criticising Universal Credit.

Mrs May retorted that the last time the Labour leader read out a voter’s letter at PMQS, she’d told him to forward it to her so that she could reply – but he still hadn’t got around to it.

“Ah!” cried the Tory detectives exultantly, as if they’d never seen a clue so incriminating.

But, awful though “Ah!” is, it at least suggests that Tory MPS retain some degree of loyalty to their leader. The most enthusiastic exponent of “Ah!”, incidentally, is Michael Ellis (Con, Northampton North).

“Ah!” he bellows, at the top of his voice, as though he’s just solved the disappearance of Lord Lucan, identified Jack the Ripper and located Amelia Earhart’s plane, all at once. He even throws in some vigorous pointing for good measure.

I trust that at the next reshuffle, his efforts will be rewarded.