Tory double act’s comedic interlude brings the House down… but Jeremy is not amused
Clearly the joke was agreed in advance. I just wonder how Philip Hammond managed to sell it to her. “So anyway, Prime Minister. My Budget speech. I’ve had this idea for a joke.”
“A joke. That could work. Studies indicate that humour is popular among the younger demographic. This could be crucial to our revival among the 18-34 bracket. What is it about?”
“It’s about the unremitting catastrophe that was your conference speech, Prime Minister.”
“Oh good.”
“Here’s what we do. Near the beginning, I’ll say this is going to be a jolly long speech, and so I’m worried I could lose my voice. And then I’ll say something like, ‘Perhaps the Prime Minister could lend me a cough sweet’. Because during your conference speech, I lent you a cough sweet!” “Yes.”
“Because during your conference speech, you lost your voice!” “Yes.”
“And everyone will laugh, because they’ll remember what an unmitigated screaming disaster your conference speech was!”
“Yes.”
“And then, you could reach into your handbag – and actually give me a packet of cough sweets, right there and then! And that will show everyone you’ve got a sense of humour, and are completely over the howling, face-clawing, dignity-shredding, utterly irremediable humiliation that was your conference speech!”
No, it doesn’t sound the most appealing pitch. Yet Theresa May went gamely along with it. Mr Hammond must be quite a salesman. As a matter of fact, the Chancellor’s Budget speech contained quite a lot of jokes. Surprising, perhaps, given his habitual dourness – and also given the awfulness of the news he’d come to present. Productivity feeble. Debt at 86.5 per cent of GDP. Growth revised down for each of the next five years.
Still, his pledge to scrap stamp duty for first-time buyers impressed Tory MPS. “MOOORRRE!” they roared. For some reason, the Chancellor didn’t mention that, according to the Office for Budget Responsibility, the likely beneficiaries of this policy would not, in fact, be first-time buyers, but existing home owners, who could use it as an excuse to jack up their prices.
Perhaps Mr Hammond had to cut that bit, to make room for his jokes.
Jeremy Corbyn was furious. Not about the stamp duty pledge in particular. He was furious about everything – not least Tory MPS heckling as he spoke. “The uncouth attitude of members opposite has to be called out!” screeched the Labour leader. I’d never seen him so livid.
Sparks were practically flying from his beard. He would almost have seemed quite scary, if he hadn’t opted for “uncouth”, a word otherwise employed only by indignant schoolmasters in Dennis the Menace cartoons circa 1956.
Mr Hammond, however, looked unruffled. He had entered that blissful period – traditionally lasting between two and 48 hours – before a Budget falls apart, and he was damn well going to enjoy it while he could.