Didn’t I do well, says May? For one day at least, her MPS agreed with her

After months of misfortune and mockery, Theresa May believed she finally had something to shout about. In the Commons she made a speech about the arrangement she’d struck with the EU.

“This is good news for people who voted Leave,” said the Prime Minister, with quiet pride. “They were worried that we were so bogged down in tortuous negotiations, it was never going to happen!”

The only trouble is, of course: it hasn’t happened, if by “it” we mean the thing that Leave voters actually voted for. All that’s happened is that we’ve reached the end of “Phase One” – a milestone we were scheduled to pass two months ago. It does feel somewhat premature, therefore, to pat oneself on the back, and announce that one’s doubters have been proven wrong. It’s a bit like clearing the first hurdle in the Olympic 400m final, then stopping, turning to the nearest reporter, and beaming that you simply couldn’t have done it without the support of your fans.

But, yesterday at least, Mrs May’s MPS seemed satisfied. Brexiteers and Remainers alike – yes, even Ken Clarke and Anna Soubry – took turns to congratulate her. Sir Edward Leigh (Gainsborough) praised her “true grit”.

Shailesh Vara (NW Cambridgeshire) praised her “sheer determination”. Nick Boles (Grantham & Stamford) likened her to Geoffrey Boycott. Robert Halfon (Harlow) even likened her to Zebedee from The Magic Roundabout. (For her ability to bounce back, I think, rather than for her enormous curly moustache.) The one Tory voice of dissent came from Philip Davies (Shipley). “The Prime Minister said there’s been ‘give and take’,” he snorted, “and she’s absolutely right. We’re giving the EU tens of billions of pounds – and they’re taking them!”

Mrs May wasn’t going to let anyone spoil her afternoon, and she laid into Jeremy Corbyn with renewed energy. “We know what a Labour approach to negotiations would mean,” she crowed. “It would be no Brexit at all!”

No matter how many times I watch Mrs May attack Mr Corbyn over Brexit, I’m not sure I’ll ever quite get used to it. A Remainy woman pretending to be Brexity, accusing a Brexity man who’s pretending to be Remainy of being insufficiently Brexity.

Labour MPS asked Mrs May to explain what “full alignment” meant, and how one could have both “alignment” and “divergence” at the same time. She did not answer this geometric conundrum. Then again, maybe this is what she’s banking on: Brexit becoming so tediously opaque that voters lose interest, and barely pay attention to the deal she ends up signing.

“I say, darling. Says in the paper that we’re staying in the EU. Didn’t we vote to leave?”

“Oh no, dear. We voted to stay. Didn’t we? I mean, we must have done, or it wouldn’t be happening.”

“Yes, I suppose so. For a moment there I couldn’t remember. It’s all so long ago…”