And lo, a babe was born, called Robyn to be non-specific ‘H

ow to make your sprouts more exciting,” came the threat from Radio 4. Ye gods, is nothing sacred? Which appalling keenie has decided they should be exciting? Sprouts, like the dentist and hockey in the rain, are to be endured. Nobody much liking sprouts with their soursocks pong (but having them anyway) is traditional. And tradition is pretty much all that we ask of the coming week, when we can relax into a template known and loved for all the years we can remember.

Such familiarity is especially welcome at the end of 2017, an uneasy 12 months full of gusts of ill will and often discombobulating social change. This is the year, after all, which began with a decree from the British Medical Association that pregnant women should no longer be called “expectant mothers”, as it could offend transgender people, but “pregnant people”.

But where does that leave the Christmas story? Surely that time-worn tale, with its inappropriate stereotyping, is not fit for purpose in these more fluid times. How very different the Nativity might have been…

Mary was betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph. And lo, she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit. And Joseph, being a pretty relaxed kind of guy, said: “Hey, babe, these things happen. It’s cool with me if you and the Holester want to get together.”

Behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, do not fear to take Mary as your wife. She will bear a babe of non-binary identity.” “But isn’t he

supposed to be the son of a carpenter?” saith Joseph.

“We should all be elastic in our gender because it helps us understand our own identities better,” quoth the angel, adjusting its halo, “and you shall call their name Robyn, for it shall be more non-specific. And they will save their people from their sins.”

“I’m not calling him Robyn, and that’s that,” saith Joseph.

“It’s not him, it’s them,” saith the angel. “We’re using neutral pronouns now. In the plural. Like you do for sheep.”

Now after Robyn was born in Bethlehem of Judea, three wise women came saying: “Sorry, the guys were going to come, but they fell asleep in front of Top Cart.

The Christmas special.” “What?” saith Joseph.

Then did the wise women open their treasures, and show their gifts of gold, and frankincense, and a new range called hyrrh. “The fragrance for whoever you want to be,” quoth they.

And Mary was full of joy. “Praise the Lord, I needed something nice and fragrant,” saith she. “Gets rid of the smell of the sprouts.”