January has been rebranded - and here’s how
Emperor’s new rules for 2018 It’s that time of year when ‘experts’ rebrand the things we already know about
Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but January has become the month of telling us what we have all known forever, while making it sound like fresh-out-of-the-lab findings. True, we get a drip feed of the blindingly obvious throughout the year (fresh air makes you feel better; coffee keeps you up; arguing makes you feel sick), but January is when it really peaks. This month, nothing is so natural or automatic – eating, sleeping, walking – that it can’t be repackaged as a wellness strategy. For instance…
Slobbing about
For as long as there has been TV, not bothering to get dressed and lying under a blanket eating chocolate and watching
The Crown has been called “slobbing around”. Except if you did it on a Tuesday, when it was “throwing a sickie”. Now, it is “selfcare”. It’s what responsible employees do when they feel they need some time to recharge their batteries and reconnect with who they are. In January speak, throwing a sickie is a personal investment.
Sleep
Oh God, what happened to that? It was the thing we did when we weren’t awake, now it’s a health issue. Sleep hygiene (eew, doesn’t that make you think of the Big Brother dormitories?) is one of the pinnacles of self-care. You are now expected to work on your sleep – getting blackout curtains, seeking out the perfect pillow, etc. If you don’t, it is tantamount to self-harm. In the future, policemen will pull you over and ask “Have you not been sleeping?” and it will be a crime on a par with force-feeding your children sugar.
Tidying up
Which we used to do, in the same way that we put out the rubbish. We didn’t love it, we certainly weren’t reading books about it, but we appreciated some tidying was necessary in order to be able to find things – and that worked for centuries. Now, tidying is brain training, cerebral cleansing, emotional centring (I’m making this up, but what’s the difference?). The point is, it’s about a lot more than making space for people to sit down; it’s a clean activity, for cleaner living, as so much is.
Clean eating
Clean eating has lost credibility since it was revealed to be the emperor’s-new-clothes fad to beat them all. But not the belief that righteous food is going to sort out our lives, get us better friends, more stimulating jobs and cooler holidays. That’s where we are with diet. It’s all about eating yourself Meghan Markle. Might she do a cookery book? Meghan Markle’s Welcome to My Thanksgiving, perhaps? Ooh yes, we can see it! Meghan in Mickey Mouse ears, Union Jack and Stars and Stripes fairy lights draped among the copper pans.
Hygge
Or the Scottish version,
còsagach, which is hoping to be the new 2018 trend. You know hygge: a warm house, a glass of red, something bubbling on the stove, smiley rosy pals, and candles. But is this really a wellness-inducing discovery, or was Henry VIII at it? Weren’t those Victorians quite keen on a cosy fug-up with a figgy pudding and some Madeira? Just saying. Do we need books on how to sit in a tartan chair in front of a fire, with a storm raging outside, and Jack telling the story about the lock-in at The Woolpack on New Year’s Eve?
Seeing friends
Yup, even this has been rebranded as a longevity enhancing activity. You’ve got the emotional support dog, the mindfulness app, the yoga class, the cleansed fridge, colon and liver. Now, you need some friend contact to keep this show on the road. You’re trying to lengthen your telomeres here, people. Friends are part of your anti-ageing package. Just don’t go for a drink with them, whatever you do.
Happy New You!
‘Friends are part of your anti-ageing package. Just don’t drink with them, whatever you do’