Pete earns nul points for comic timing as his big moment falls flat
It would be easy to mock the SNP’S Pete Wishart. But I feel for him. Just picture the glow of excitement on his little face, on Tuesday night, as the brainwave struck him. Then picture him, alone in his flat, feverishly drafting his lines; polishing them until they shone; learning them by heart; and then delivering them, with effortless panache, in the bathroom mirror, to the acclaim of his imaginary audience.
This, he must have whispered, as he hugged himself with glee, was going to be a triumph.
Reality, though, is a cruel mistress. And yesterday, once again, I fear she let Mr Wishart down.
His object was simple. He was going to use the first PMQS of the year to ridicule Theresa May. He was going to lampoon her. Skewer her. Cleave her in two with the mighty broadsword of his satire.
At 12.25pm, his big moment finally arrived. The Speaker called his name. Mr Wishart sprang to his feet.
“On a scale from one to 10,” he drawled, “how well does the Prime Minister think her Brexit is going – with 10 meaning ‘everything is going perfectly’, and one meaning ‘chaotic cluelessness?’ I know what I’d give her. But what would she give herself?”
So far, so good. Except that Mr Wishart had forgotten something: his punchline. At the exact moment he said: “I know what I’d give her”, he had intended to flourish a card emblazoned with the words “NUL POINTS”.
But he left it too late. And by the time he’d remembered, and fished out his card, and held it up proudly to show the viewers at home, the TV cameras had already cut away from him. Which meant that the public didn’t get to see it – and now never will.
No funny clip for the TV news. No hilarious video to share on Facebook. All that planning, all that effort – for nothing.
The cameras were instead on Mrs May. She was peering at Mr Wishart. But she didn’t look hurt. If anything, she looked sorry for him.
“Aww,” she said, with a sympathetic smile, like a teacher on sports day trying to persuade a small child that it’s the taking part that counts.
Once MPS had calmed themselves, Mrs May replied simply that her Brexit team “was getting on with the job and doing well”. She declined to say what mark she’d award herself. Loyally, Iain Duncan Smith held up all 10 of his fingers.
John Bercow, the Speaker, seemed unimpressed by Mr Wishart’s efforts. “I think when the honourable gentleman comes to reflect on his conduct,” he sniffed, “he’ll know he can do better than that.”
“No he can’t,” said a Tory. Later, on Twitter, Mr Wishart gamely shared a clip of his question. “What you can’t see,” he told his followers, “is me holding up a sign saying ‘nul points’.”
The best jokes are the ones you have to explain afterwards.