I reserve the right to disapprove regardless of gender

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear… aren’t modern sexual politics confusing? This week, at my local Tube station, I encountered a bearded man in a parka wearing a “Baby on Board” badge. What to do? Apart from breathe a sigh of relief he wasn’t hovering over me in the carriage, expecting me to give up my seat as the other commuters watched in amusement.

He was obviously a man. But did that mean he obviously wasn’t pregnant? Was he formerly a she and carrying a tiny infant somewhere on his person? Had he simply borrowed his girlfriend’s (boyfriend’s?) coat? Or was it simply the mother of all wind-ups?

Honestly, it’s all very stressful for us dreary normcores, tiptoeing around, at pains not to offend. That’s why I feel genuinely angst-ridden by the news that German Playboy is to feature a beautiful transgender model on its cover.

The topless appearance of Giuliana Farfalla, 21, is being trumpeted as historic, striking a blow for liberty, the soft-porn equivalent of raising the flag at Iwo Jima (but in fewer clothes).

Now, I don’t really approve of Playboy, although it’s reassuringly vanilla compared to the toxic horrors available online. But if I say so, it might be inferred that I don’t approve of transgenderism, which would cause hellfire to rain upon me.

For the record, I don’t at all disapprove of transgenderism. But to say I approve would be a misrepresentation as it implies I have given the matter some thought, which I haven’t.

It’s like space tourism or the diesel cars scandal; unless it affects you personally, it’s hard to find time for anything other than a fleeting, wellmeant but sketchily informed opinion.

However, I can categorically confirm that I believe every one of Facebook’s 71 gender options has a right to whip off its top, titillatingly, in a glossy magazine, should it so choose. But I reserve the right to disapprove, regardless of orientation.

As far as burly blokes wearing Baby on Board badges are concerned, I am at a loss. I’m tempted to get a contraband one of my own so as to beat them at their own game.

And if anyone confronts me for being the wrong side of fertility, I’ll angrily accuse them of blatant age discrimination.

Hurrah for diversity!