The truth about unhappy working mothers
As a new study finds that mothers working full time are the unhappiest, Estelle Lee reveals why she decided to quit the rat race
For as long as I can remember I have been a committed career woman. Throughout my 20s, I worked in advertising. Management were in by 8am, and there was an unspoken law that account people, or “suits”, were expected to follow this example of work ethic. If the clock struck 5.30pm and the client needed a 40-page presentation, you got on and delivered it, no matter what.
Surrounded by equally ambitious, bright cohorts who wanted “the big chair” one day, we happily sucked this up. A 5am flight from Stansted for an hour’s presentation in Geneva? Absolutely. Week-long shoots in eastern Europe delivering five markets worth of advertising material for a shampoo brand? The norm. Some years later, heavily pregnant with my first child, the reality began to bite.
Only a few weeks before my maternity leave, I was allowed home “early” at around midnight the night before a valuable retail pitch. It was obvious to me that something would have to give when I had the baby. Walk the floors of any ad agency at the time, and flexibly working mothers were thin on the ground. I lost count of the ones who tried it, left, and went to work in recruitment. As one (childless) superior pointed out to me: yes, you can work a four-day week, but the reality is that you’ll be doing five – just for less money.
So, like many mothers who needed to work, I searched for what I hoped to be a more manageable plan B. I launched Smallish, a lifestyle magazine for parents. Pre-instagram and mummy bloggers, it was a unique proposition and while, yes, I would be working full-time, it would be valuable work that I felt passionate about.
The idea of giving up my career when children came along was an anathema. Like many couples, we couldn’t survive on one wage and, anyway, I loved the freedom and creativity. I wanted to make it work. There was adrenalin in delivering a monthly magazine; on maternity leave, nap times were work times, evenings provided blocks of resource where I was almost constantly scrolling through the internet, researching and editing pages. With a team of fellow mothers, we joked about having the perfect 24/7 office.
When the wheels of our household purred, the practicalities of parenting were neatly dealt with – my child’s needs being delegated to a mixture of grandparents and paid-for childcare. When, 15 months later, another baby came along, I considered myself hugely fortunate in finding a paid role that I loved, while juggling the daily demands of family life. Work made me happy. I thrived in that sweet spot where domestic and professional spheres overlapped harmoniously. I felt it only natural to reclaim a part of myself that was lost in the folding of laundry, the loading of the dishwasher, the meal planning, the reflux and the bedtime stories. But was it sustainable?
A study of nearly 5,000 mothers recently published in the Journal of Happiness Studies has found that mothers of children under the age of three are less happy if they stay in full-time employment. Researchers found a small but significant increase in happiness among mothers who were not working, compared with full-time workers. In a comparison with part-timers, the difference was surprisingly negligible.
The latter statement is a crucial point because, despite the vibrant, Lycra-clad maternal cries for “flexible” jobs, work doesn’t stop anymore when you clock off for the day. It’s less about the physical hours spent toiling and a more inexact and entirely subjective balance of productivity, meaningful reward and personal well-being. Our phones are a double-edged sword of distraction. My job meant I was freed from the physical constraints of being tied to a desk but, like many, I was always “on”.
Heading a small team, the challenges of the business required more and more of my mental space – as did my children. I felt like I was pulled in too many directions; saying no to social, work and school events because I had neither the time, nor energy. Even when I committed to exercise for my well-being, I couldn’t lose weight, my cortisol levels apparently tricking my body into holding on to my waist for dear life. The boys knew well to leave Mummy alone when I was up against a deadline. Increasingly, I felt overwhelmed.
It’s not just women putting their careers before their health. We’re all working more hours than ever and the line between life and home is increasingly blurred. In another new study, it was shown that people who work more than 39 hours a week are damaging their well-being. Research from the Australian National University has found that the work limit for a healthy life should be set at 39 hours a week, instead of the 48-hour-week limit set internationally about 80 years ago. Dr Huong Dinh, the lead researcher, said: “Long work hours erode a person’s mental and physical health because it leaves less time to eat well and look after themselves properly.”
While we are all at risk from being constantly “on”, there are different challenges for women who largely pick up the unpaid domestic slack on top of their working hours. “Given the extra demands placed on them, it’s impossible for women to work the long hours often expected by employers unless they compromise their health,” said Dr Dinh. For women, the researchers suggested the work limit should be 34 hours per week once their other commitments were considered. The healthy work limit for men was up to 47 hours a week generally, because they spend much less time on care or domestic work than women.
When my children started school, I knew something had to give. We decided to move to Somerset, which meant I could pull back on my career. I wanted the time and space to work out what would make me happy, as well as being best for all of us as a family. Rural life is wonderful, but it comes with its own challenges. I’m less inclined to outsource the care of my children for days on end, but it isn’t easy having a husband working in London three days a week.
The freelance economy is the new normal, and while I walked away from a big job that I know plenty would love, it was the right thing for me at the right time. I’m looking forward to new challenges. Will it deliver the happiness dream we all are chasing? Only time will tell.