Are you wearing Fiftygoggles?
It’s fine to feel fabulous in midlife, but beware the scale of selfdelusion
You may be aware that the ever youthful Davina Mccall has turned 50, and celebrated with friends, newly single, wearing a short dress and gold light-up trainers.
So far, so normal. Fifty is a new beginning in 2018. Davina first marked her imminent half-century back in October by posting photographs of herself in a very small bikini (her “first ever thong”) and that just about says it all. We’re no longer talking about resisting the slide into old age, but being more likely to wear a thong bikini than when we were young.
It’s amazing really. It’s also a bit Fiftygoggles syndrome – choices that rate from a 9 (bunches) to a barely worrying 3 (getting into friendship bracelets) on the slightly delusional scale.
(Note to Davina: we feel you. You are certainly fabulous for 50. But from this point you, like all of us, are susceptible to Fiftygoggles. Trust us, we are ahead of you on this one…)
Leg baring (Fiftygoggles score: 8)
You may never have worn a mini in your life and woah… here you are in a pelmet. And shorts. “Get a load of my legs,” is what you feel like shouting all the time, “better than in my thirties!” We’ve all been there. But are they objectively great, or are you just pleased with yourself? Fifty marks the beginning of a phase, which we shall label Second Wave Fitness, when the fit person feels relatively better looking than younger people, because they’re trimmer than they have been, and roughly a thousand per cent more confident.
Plenty of leg (ideally bare, tanned and accessorised with ankle boots) is the international sign of a woman in this phase; that and athletic leggings.
(We get it. You were too scared to wear knicker grazers when you were
22. Now you don’t care). Just beware the high shoe (feet go the way of hands about now… veiny), consider opaques, and keep checking that back view. It’s the back of the thigh above the knee that looks vulnerable-oldlady first.
My hair is young (Fiftygoggles 4)
The temptation now is to go longer; rough-dyed with pink streaks; or just sexily unkempt and in your face. Your hairdresser will, if they’re any good, be counselling neater, shorter, glossier.
(Note to Davina: you have been known to wear plaits. That would now be a mistake.)
The fashion I missed out on, I’m doing it all! (Fiftygoggles 4)
Never did leather jeans? Damn well giving them a shot! And super cool trainers. And a turquoise fun fur. Late onset fashion can hit you one of two ways: you’re either going 80per cent more trendy (see above) or diving into Euro sumptuosity, in which case you can’t stop buying buttery cashmere and face-framing fur trims.
Daddy’s girl (Fiftygoggles 9)
It’s fresh-faced and barefoot and cotton PJS. It’s a white Peter Pan collar with a natural gloss lip. It’s no-make-up make-up, and a primrose yellow sundress and hoping to be mistaken for the au pair. The cut off for this carry on is very early forties, if you’re lucky.
Love my hands (Fiftygoggles 4)
Nails painted putty or blood red, fingers stacked with semi-precious rings and lots of gesturing. Wanting people to notice your great-for-your-age hands is a habit peculiar to 50-somethings, therefore automatically ageing.
Groovy behaviour (Fiftygoggles 7)
Your dog comes everywhere, and it has a scarf. Or you zip home on your child’s scooter. Or you go to festivals, wearing a denim playsuit and cowboy boots. Or you have a pierced upper ear (new) and have taken to wearing scarlet lipstick and eyeliner wings.
We’re not saying don’t, just be aware your Fiftygoggles are now in place. Enjoy!
‘It’s nomake-up make-up, and a primrose yellow sundress and hoping to be mistaken for the au pair’