Boris, musing on Brexit and root vegetables, marches to a different beet

We live in remarkable times. Truly, we do. They will be studied by our grandchildren, and by our grandchildren’s grandchildren.

In rapt fascination they will read of what happened, in Britain, in 2016 and the years beyond: the decisions we took, the battles we fought, and the statesmen who led us into them. Statesmen such as the following. “Foreign Secretary,” said a journalist. “What do you say to those who say, ‘Yet another speech on Brexit – but where is the clarity?’”

Boris Johnson frowned. “The carrot?” he said. The journalist looked at him. “The clarity,” he repeated.

“The clarity!” cried Mr Johnson, in the manner of Archimedes leaping from his bathtub. “OK. God. Carrot. Carrot!”

The audience looked on, while the Foreign Secretary shook his head and murmured to himself about root vegetables. “Well, as I say,” said Mr Johnson, abruptly emerging from his reverie, “I think you have an abundance of clarity in the Prime Minister’s Lancaster House speech [delivered in January 2017].

“What I’m trying to address is a feeling I pick up from people that they’re not getting the message, the positive agenda. I think there is a great positive agenda – and we need to get out there and explain it.”

He paused. An idea had struck him. “And it can be good for carrots too, by the way. All right, you didn’t actually mention carrots, but … we can take back control of our agricultural policies, and it may be that we can do wonderful things with, you know, our own regulations to, you know … promote organic carrots.”

Sometimes in this job, I’ll write a parody of a politician’s speech, and people assume he really said it. Other times, I’ll write down something a politician really said, and people assume it’s a parody.

To avoid confusion – particularly among any budding historians studying this article, decades from now – allow me to confirm that all of the above is absolutely real. Mr Johnson had given his speech to win over glum Remainers: to allay their fears about the economy, national security and Britain’s global standing. In the event, it was more a pep talk than an argument. Mr Johnson, rarely one to get bogged down in detail, said nothing new about the economy, and didn’t mention the Irish border at all.

Essentially his message was: “Chin up, chaps! It’ll turn out all right in the end!” The Remainers Mr Johnson most needs to win over, of course, are the ones in the Cabinet.

A journalist asked a question about potential splits over Brexit policy.

Could Mr Johnson guarantee that he wouldn’t resign in protest before the end of the year? “Well,” said Mr Johnson. “Look … You know … We’re all very lucky to serve.”

Not the firmest of guarantees. Perhaps, before long, there will be another political bombshell for our grandchildren’s grandchildren to study.