She’s so very clear ... so why can’t anybody agree what Mrs May’s Brexit position is?

An interesting feature of the endless debate about Brexit: practically everyone seems to agree that Theresa May’s position on Brexit is wrong. They just can’t agree on what that position is.

At Prime Minister’s questions yesterday, Tulip Siddiq (Lab, Hampstead & Kilburn) was in no doubt. Mrs May, she howled, was “in hot pursuit of a hard Brexit”.

According to Ms Siddiq’s own leader, however, Mrs May wasn’t in hot pursuit of anything – because she didn’t know what she wanted from Brexit at all.

“All we’ve had,” snorted Jeremy Corbyn, “is waffle and empty rhetoric.” He also quoted Lord Bridges, the Tory peer who’d said Britain would be walking “a gangplank into thin air” if Mrs May didn’t make up her mind.

Yet, at almost exactly the same time on Twitter, Patrick O’flynn – a Ukip MEP – was protesting against the Government’s “outrageous” attempt to “plot a permanent ‘transition’”. According to him, therefore, Mrs May is planning a Brexit so soft that it barely qualifies as Brexit at all.

His party’s interim leader, Gerard Batten, went even further. “Closet Remainers such as May,” he glowered, “will delay and impede Brexit in the hope of later overturning the democratic wishes of the people.”

So there you have it. Within the space of mere minutes, we learnt that Theresa May is hellbent on a hard Brexit, hellbent on a soft Brexit, hellbent on stopping Brexit altogether, and completely undecided about the whole thing.

For her own part, Mrs May sighed, shook her head, and patiently explained that she’s been “very clear”. She’s always having to explain that she’s been very clear.

For someone so very clear, it’s remarkable how rarely people can agree on what her views are.

She has at least managed to decide what colour she wants our post-brexit passports to be. Even this plan, though, faces a potential snag. “De La Rue, in my constituency, is the only British company bidding to produce our new blue passports,” said Chris Green (Con, Bolton West). “The other two… are French!”

Consternation on the Tory benches. “Sacre bleu!” gasped one MP.

“So will my right honourable friend commit to doing all she can to support our manufacturers,” pleaded Mr Green, “and make our new blue passports truly British?”

Sadly, however, no such commitment was forthcoming. The Prime Minister confessed that she was powerless to act.

“I’m sure my honourable friend is aware that this will be an open and fair competition,” said Mrs May, “and I can’t comment on individual bids.” Still, she added brightly, “I think it’s absolutely right that after leaving the EU we return to choosing the colour of passport that we want, not that the EU wants!” No doubt. Might take a bit of the shine off, though, if the manufacturing bid is won by the French. Particularly if, on the front of our proud blue passports, they add a line that says “Made in the EU.”