Little white lies
Shane Watson on the rules of social fibbing
‘Who doesn’t think their dog has an extra high intelligence?’
Apparently, we underestimate how much we eat as a general rule. Well, you don’t say. Next they’ll be telling us we overestimate our children’s intelligence and how good our feet look for our age. They’ll be pointing out that when we buy something during the sales, we always say, “It was in the sale” when actually it was on the New Season rail, full price, and dry clean only.
Everybody knows the Under-do and Over-do rules and we all accept that we underestimate and overestimate the same things, as a matter of course. It’s human nature. It’s how we function and get by. We lie, within socially sanctioned parameters, for our own good and for the sake of others, and we do it instinctively.
For example…
We overestimate:
How good we are at dancing. And singing, particularly singing, though dancing, too, if enough drink has been taken. (Which has, BTW, been slightly ruined, of late, by young people’s habit of filming these private moments and then making you relive them, without the benefit of Picpoul de Pinet goggles.)
How good we look for our age. No one is thinking, “Christ, I look every inch my years and some”, though it stands to reason not everyone can be a Lumley or a Pfeiffer. That’s the beauty of natural overestimation; we can all be midlife miracles.
How good we are at skiing. Everyone thinks they are hot s--- on skis. It’s partly because you feel like Franz Klammer, even when snow-ploughing in the crouching-troll position. It’s also basic self delusion. Men have it increasingly, post 40: their estimation of their football prowess and general ball skills just keeps on climbing.
Our dog’s extraordinary intelligence, and wit.
How good our risotto is.
What a good judge of character we are.
How warm the water is. No one has ever said, “Actually, don’t come in, it isn’t that great…” No, the water is amazing. Once you are in you will overestimate how good that water feels, every single time.
How cool we were when we were younger. We had all the records, we saw all the bands, we got our hair cut by Vidal Sassoon. Or was it in a Vidal Sassoon salon a decade after it was all over?
Anyway…
And we underestimate:
How much we drink. We keep telling ourselves that twice as much ice makes it half as alcoholic.
How much we earn (if anyone is asking). Also the value of our house (even though you can look it up).
How much TV we watch. Which is important because when you factor in
Gomorrah and Troy and new Homeland and catching up with Mother!
… it is an alarming amount. If we were to accurately estimate the time spent watching TV, we wouldn’t be able to do it.
How much we know. Sometimes you can watch University Challenge and discover that you know what Jonathan Swift looked like. Or the name of a baby bat.
What a holiday will cost. And then, when we return, we persist in claiming it was much cheaper than it really was, even under intense crossexamination by friends and family. “But hang on, so it cost £30 a night? Per couple?” Yeeesss. (No! £65!). But that’s what we do. It makes us feel less Chloe Green, and more resourceful traveller. How much food we waste. Because it depresses us to think about it but, in our defence, it’s anyone’s guess how many are in for supper and who’s around at the weekend. Number of sexual partners. Obviously, if you are an 18-year-old boy you will be on the over-estimating team, but on the whole, under is the fashion these days.