Questions are so much easier without those pesky journalists

Keen to ask Jeremy Corbyn about his latest policy on Brexit, journalists raised their hands. So far, Mr Corbyn had taken questions from The Guardian, Newsnight and Channel 4 News, but not, curiously enough, from any Right-leaning newspapers. Perhaps he was saving them for last.

Rebecca Long-bailey, the Labour leader’s handler, frowned and scanned the room. “Let’s mix it up a bit,” she said. “Have we got any non-journalists who want to ask Jeremy a question? Yes – lady with the blonde hair!”

The lady with the blonde hair beamed. “My question to you, Jeremy,” she said brightly, “is: will you hurry up and be our prime minister?”

Her fellow Labour supporters whooped and cheered. Journalists looked at each other. Still, perhaps it clears one thing up. Last week, a furious Mr Corbyn promised his supporters that he would “open up” the media. “Change,” he scowled, “is coming.”

Disappointingly, he didn’t reveal what he meant by “opening up”, or what the “change” would be. Maybe he just meant this. Instead of letting pesky journalists ask him questions, he’ll get his supporters to do it.

The Today programme should be good. “We’re joined now by the Prime Minister, Jeremy Corbyn. Mr Corbyn, the public has a right to know: why are you so brilliant?”

“Well, it’s very kind of you to say so, but I really don’t think it’s for me to...”

“I’m sorry, Mr Corbyn, but I need an answer. I repeat: just what is it that makes you so wonderful? Is it your spotless integrity, your heroic refusal to compromise on your principles, or the fact that, on every single issue ever, you’ve always been on the right side of history?”

“Look, this is really very flattering, but you know, nobody’s perfect. I...”

“Well, Mr Corbyn, you say you’re not perfect – and yet you haven’t been able to produce a single piece of evidence to support that claim.”

“I...” “Mr Corbyn, I’m afraid I’m going to have to press you on this. The fact is, everyone in this country, apart from the hated neo-liberal Blairite Zionist Tory elite, thinks you’re completely magnificent and should be prime minister forever. Do you intend to defy the will of the people?” “Well, I mean, er...”

“Mr Corbyn, you haven’t managed to answer a single question about how brilliant you are. Isn’t this just typical of your refreshingly humble approach to politics? Do you realise that this is only going to make people at home admire you even more?”

For the time being, sadly, Mr Corbyn is still expected to endure questions from journalists. “Andy Bell, 5 News,” piped up one, after the applause for the lady with blonde hair had died down. Mr Corbyn’s supporters loudly groaned. For them, it seems, change simply can’t come soon enough.