Don’t pick a metaphor after you’ve eaten it

In a way, it was quite touching. The look of pride on his face as he said it. He plainly couldn’t believe no one else had thought of it. “When [Theresa May] gets into negotiations with her European counterparts over trade,” hooted Iain Duncan Smith in the Commons yesterday, “could she remind them that cake exists to be eaten?”

I hope his colleagues let him enjoy his moment. It would have been cruel to take him to one side afterwards, and explain it to him.

“Iain. Hi. That thing you said in the chamber about EU negotiations and cake.”

“Cake exists to be eaten!”

“Yes. It’s just that… that’s not what it means.”

“Not what what means?”

“The phrase, ‘You can’t have your cake and eat it.’ It means… well, it means you can’t have your cake and eat it.”

“But cake is for eating. That’s what it’s for. It’s a type of food. You eat it.”

“Of course you can eat cake, Iain. No one’s saying cake can’t be eaten. The point is that if you do eat the cake, there won’t be any cake left.”

“So buy some more cake.” “Sorry, Iain, perhaps I’m not explaining myself very clearly. The EU are saying that we can’t have our cake and eat it. It’s a phrase. An English phrase. A fairly well-known one. It means, you can’t have it both ways. So, for example, if you leave the single market, you can’t trade with the EU as freely. That’s what the EU are saying. You can’t have your cake and eat it.”

“But you can. If you’re eating your cake, you’re having your cake. I ate half the cake for tea… and then I had the rest later. And that’s what we’ve got to do with Brexit. Have lots and lots of cake. I don’t know why everyone finds this so difficult.” “Sorry, Iain. Forget I spoke.” Mr Duncan Smith wasn’t the only Tory MP grappling with the mysteries of metaphor. Rebecca Pow (Taunton Deane) was confounded by the EU’S refusal to let Britain “cherry-pick” the best bits of EU membership.

“Much as I love gardening, Mr Speaker, I don’t grow cherries,” piped Mrs Pow. “But if I did, I’d pick them!”

Again, she looked so pleased with herself, it would have been cruel to take her aside and spoil it.

“Rebecca. Lovely line about cherries earlier. It’s just that… in this scenario, the cherries aren’t yours to pick. They’re your neighbour’s. The cherries are growing in your neighbour’s garden. And your neighbour’s saying you can’t pick them. Because they’re his.”

“But I like cherries.”

“Yes, but these particular cherries aren’t yours.”

“Oh. But… hang on a minute. Iain! Iain, can you come here? We’re talking about cherries. Are there… are there going to be cherries on your cake?”

“Is this before or after I’ve eaten it?”