In absence of Putin himself, the Dispatch Box comes off second best against ‘tough guy’ Boris

Of all the roles that Boris Johnson could be cast to play, “the tough guy” is not the most obvious. First, there’s the way he talks: absent-minded, meandering, stammeringly posh. Then there’s the way he looks: soft, rounded, cuddly, dishevelled. He has the bodily proportions of a toddler: an enormous toddler stuffed into a suit. It’s unsettlingly easy to imagine Mr Johnson sucking dreamily on a rusk, or sitting unattended on the kitchen floor, surrounded by broken saucers, spilt cornflakes, and whatever else he’s hauled down from the cupboards.

Yet, for a Foreign Secretary, acting tough is part of the job. Particularly when, as Mr Johnson was yesterday, you’ve been called to the Commons to answer questions on Russia. Was Russia behind the apparent poisoning of the spy in Salisbury? And if so, what was Mr Johnson going to do about it?

He began by assuring MPS he would not “prejudge the investigation”. It soon became obvious, however, that the need for caution frustrated him. He was itching to get stuck in, eager to show what he’d do to that Vladimir Putin given half a chance.

But Russia’s president was not within reach. So he made do with thumping the Dispatch Box instead.

He did it again and again. Midsentence he would make a sudden chopping motion, like a sensei karate-chopping a brick, and bring the side of his hand down – THUMP.

For example: “The UK is active in New York – THUMP – and with our American friends – THUMP – we are making the case that it’s time to bring the Russians firmly to heel.” THUMP.

Chris Bryant (Lab, Rhondda) sniffed that in the face of the Russian threat ministers had “repeatedly just shrugged their shoulders”.

Mr Johnson protested. “On the contrary, we have led the world in tough action against Russia.” THUMP.

Philip Hollobone (Con, Kettering) feared Russia had “little or no respect” for Britain. Mr Johnson stood defiant. “Many other countries would prefer to turn a blind eye – THUMP – we do not take that view; we take a principled view – THUMP – we will not be bowed and we will not allow [aggression] to go unpunished.” THUMP. THUMP.

Then he remembered that, in just three months, the football World Cup is to be held in Russia.

“It is very difficult to imagine how UK representation at that event could go ahead in the normal way,” he scowled. This time, the Dispatch Box was spared. But Mr Johnson’s message needed no emphasis. His meaning was unmistakable.

Or so we thought. Afterwards, aides hastily explained that the England team would still play at the World Cup; Mr Johnson, they insisted, had simply meant that our dignitaries might not travel. That was all.

We’re leading the world in tough action against Russia, but obviously we wouldn’t want to go too far.