Podcast that reboots bedtime
Lisa Williams is on a mission to tackle the ‘last taboo’ – people in long-term relationships who are unhappy with their sex lives
Since I started hosting a show about sex in long-term relationships, people tell me all sorts of things, but the two words I hear most frequently are “thank you”. “Thank you for making me think, I’m not alone.
“Thank you for cheering up my commute – you girls made me cry with laughter.
“You’ve made things much easier between me and my husband, thank you.”
If I sound pleased with myself, it’s because I am. I launched the Hotbed Collective exactly a year ago, along with Cherry Healey, the television presenter, and Anniki Sommerville, the writer, precisely because I wanted to create an online space in which women felt comfortable to talk about the kind of sex that no one talks about: sex you keep your socks on for, sex you’d like more of but you don’t know how to find the time, sex that hurts and you’re not sure why. In short, not the glamorous kind you had in your twenties, but everything that happens after that in long-term relationships.
I’d call it everyday sex, except it’s unlikely that it happens every day.
We started modestly with an Instagram account, posting sex tips, photos of the pop stars and actors we had fancied as teenagers, and asking our followers questions such as: “Do you pee in front of your partner? Shave your legs? Scratch your bottom? Do you think we need to share less?” We assumed the conversation would be one-way; that we would be broadcasting out to an attentive but stiff-upper-lipped crowd. We couldn’t have been more wrong.
Bit by bit, we gathered an audience who not only liked and commented on our updates but answered extremely personal questions, got engaged in debate with each other, and wrote to us privately to submit moving and intimate blog pieces (“What Sex Is Like When You’re Diagnosed With Cancer” or “A Dad’s Perspective on Sex After Kids”), and to ask for advice from Dr Karen Gurney, our resident sex doctor (“My Sex Life Has Dried up Since My Menopause Started”). Each time we have tried something new, such as our podcast The Hotbed, we have doubted whether we can sustain this level of openness in women, and each time we have been surprised.
In our opinion, there are two reasons why this has happened: firstly, because we do everything we can to make the topic approachable. The three of us have a saying: “No dungeons, please”. Sometimes talking about sex can make people clam up, terrified that you might force them to try dressing up or visiting a sex dungeon. This isn’t what our mission is about at all; although, of course, if someone wanted to visit a sex dungeon we wouldn’t judge. But people keen to visit sex dungeons aren’t often the ones we need to help.
We are much more interested in the generation of women who may have once been adventurous and really enjoyed sex, but have found that, over time, their desire has dwindled, or that having sex regularly has become more difficult for many different reasons. These are the people who are more likely to engage with a topic and learn something.
For this to happen, it’s crucial we keep things light-hearted. On Instagram, women only need answer our questions by using an emoji we’ve set for them (for example, blue whale = yes, green leaf = no). Our podcast always starts with a skit about what we’re wearing as we record. One of our listeners, a digital publishing executive, put it well when she said: “I like how you three discuss sex as if you’re talking about going to Waitrose.”
But more importantly, the reason we think this has struck a chord is because there is simply no other outlet for this kind of discussion about sex in long-term relationships. In our 20s, we may have exchanged dating woes and one-night-stand stories over cocktails and seared tuna steaks (remember when they were all the rage?), possibly to a soundtrack of Jamiroquai and Macy Gray. But times have changed. We got married and had children. We speak to our friends more on Whatsapp than in real life and, when we do see each other, it’s often with partners in tow. Sharing salacious details about someone we met at All Bar One on our 25th birthday is one thing. Sharing intimate stories about the man who’ll be tending the barbecue at our next get-together is another.
And yet, the need to talk is really there. What happens (or doesn’t happen) behind closed doors is still a source of worry for many people. We surveyed nearly 1,000 people about sex and relationships, and found that the majority of them didn’t talk to anyone about these issues: not even their GP or their partner.
The biggest factor they cited as to why they were not happy with the current state of their sex life (and 91per cent said they were not), was a lack of body confidence. Lack of libido was another.
When we broached this topic at one of our live shows, the wonderful and learned Dr Gurney – who is a clinical psychologist and psychosexologist working for the NHS and in her private practice The Havelock Clinic – told the room an elucidating fact: that women’s desire is much less spontaneous than men’s. In practical terms, women don’t just find themselves turned on in the same way as men.
This can lead a woman to feel as if there is something wrong with her, wondering why she doesn’t feel like having sex when her partner does. You don’t need much imagination to work out where this discord can take a long-term relationship.
As Dr Gurney spoke, a hush descended on the room as our audience no doubt cast their mind back to the occasions they had rebuffed advances, changed the subject, pretended to be asleep. “The good news,” she continued, “is that women’s desire is extremely responsive.” Sometimes all we need, she said, is something to trigger our libido; which could be as simple as a nice kiss for a nice kiss’s sake. No dungeons here.
One of our favourite facts is this: that only 20per cent of women can orgasm with penetrative sex alone. It’s not the picture painted by the sex we see on screen, when women can come to a screaming climax after a quick shake of the sheets. Women have told us of the relief they feel in learning that there’s nothing weird or “frigid” about them, and that they’re actually in the majority. By arming them with facts and reassurance, and setting them “homework” to try if they feel like it at the end of each podcast, we’re hoping to help them build bridges with their partner, creating happier marriages as a result.
One of the more recent messages we received from a fan was the following: “I thought it was over between us but we’ve just had an amazing weekend away, thanks to you.”
When I first approached Cherry about setting up the collective, her first response was this: “Couples are splitting up. What are we going to do about it?”
Quite a lot, it turns out.