Rees-mogg misses the boat as Farage takes fishy protest to Parliament
On June 15, 2016, Nigel Farage led a flotilla of pro-brexit fishing trawlers up the Thames, pursued by Bob Geldof shouting abuse from a pleasure cruiser while 100 passers-by on Blackfriars Bridge sang Rule Britannia. Political commentators believed they would never see anything like it again. Jacob Rees-mogg was determined to prove them wrong. Yesterday morning, the Conservative MP for NE Somerset wafted down the walkway to Embankment pier, to join a protest against the betrayal of British fishermen by the Brexit transition agreement. The plan was to board a trawler, sail up to Parliament, and then dump several crates of dead fish into the Thames. “If we get no deal,” hooted Mr Rees-mogg, “the EU are in the briny!” Alongside him were two fellow Brexiteers: Craig Mckinlay (Con, S Thanet) and Anne-marie Trevelyan (Con, Berwick-upontweed). A journalist suggested it was a bit of a thin turnout. “We only asked a few to come, because not many could fit on the boat,” insisted Mr Reesmogg. “It’s merely a question of how many we could get on the boat….”
Unfortunately, however, it turned out that the precise number they could get on the boat was zero. Just as the trawler hove into view, an official from Transport for London bustled up, and forbade it to dock.
“For vessels to come alongside, they have to be licensed, and this vessel’s not licensed,” he huffed. “There are very strict rules!”
There was nothing to be done. The Tory MPS had no option but to abandon ship – assuming you can abandon a ship you haven’t actually boarded – and trudge back to Parliament on foot. What a let-down. After all that build-up. Sky News had even sent a helicopter. The trawler, however, was not to be defeated so easily, and chugged resolutely on towards Parliament. She may have missed her consignment of Tory MPS, with the exception of Ross Thomson (Con, Aberdeen South) who had boarded earlier; but there was still one other politician aboard – the scourge of the high seas: Nigel Farage.
Waiting on the Commons terrace was Sir Desmond Swayne, a Tory Brexiteer. He gazed dreamily at the river. In his hand were a miniature Union flag and the red ensign: the flag flown by British merchant vessels.
At last the good ship Brexit appeared and drew level with Parliament. The honours were then performed by Mr Farage. From a crate at his feet, the former Ukip leader produced a dead haddock, held it aloft for the cameras – and flung it overboard. The fish glittered briefly in the morning sun, arced gracefully through the air and then sank forever beneath the waves.
“There we go,” said Mr Farage solemnly.
After the remaining haddock had been dispatched, the trawler headed off. Mission accomplished. Well, mostly. If only the Tory MPS hadn’t been thwarted by red tape.
Personally, I’ve had enough of these meddling British bureaucrats.
If you ask me, it’s time to take back control, and leave the UK.