The law doesn’t keep us married… most of us actually want to stay together

We shouldn’t fear easier divorce: it’s not the law that makes us stay married now, it’s because we want to

In 1969, when Parliament voted in favour of the Divorce Reform Act, a chorus of Cassandras warned this would spell doom for the institution of marriage. And, let’s face it, they were right. The divorce rate shot up in 1971, when the act became law, and has stayed pretty high ever since.

Not only that, but people stopped getting married in the first place. Marriage rates have been on a steep downward trajectory for half a century. In 2015 (the last year for which figures are available), only 239,020 heterosexual couples tied the knot – the lowest figure ever recorded.

So you can see why defenders of matrimony might wince at Sir James Munby’s latest demands. Sir James, who is soon to retire as head of the family division of the High Court, believes the marriage laws are still too “Victorian” and are in need of sweeping reform. He wants quick, no-fault divorces (at present, couples either have to wait two years for “divorce by consent”, or concoct accusations of adultery or unreasonable behaviour against each other).

He has also called for an end to the “absurd” assumption that men should have to support their ex-wives for life, and for cohabiting couples to get some of the same rights and protections as married couples.

One marriage campaigner has denounced these proposals as “an agenda for the abolition of marriage”. That is the tragedy of the Cassandras – they may be right, but they always sound so ridiculous. Abolish marriage? Why would anyone want to do that, least of all a family judge?

Sir James must know better than almost anyone in Britain how grave the effects of family breakdown can be. And he must know, too, because everyone does, that married couples are less likely to split up than those who merely cohabit: by a factor of four, according to the Office for National Statistics. Indeed, a 2013 study found that 93 per cent of those couples whose relationships are still intact by the time their child is a teenager are married.

It does not follow, however, that punitive divorce laws are a good thing. If the aim is to revive the institution of marriage, we shouldn’t be making it harder to get out, but more attractive to get in.

The sexual revolution of the Sixties, of which the Divorce Act was just one part, has changed the whole landscape of human relations. Almost all the old motives for marriage have gone: religious belief, social expectation, sex and (for women) financial security. We have swapped social stability for personal freedom – a change more profound than the Cassandras feared then, or understand now.

No one needs to get, or stay, married any more. The financial incentives are modest (whereas the costs of a wedding are huge). There are, as Sir James says, some rights that cohabiting couples don’t have – but since most people have no idea what they are, I doubt that enters into the calculation.

And if it ends in tears, you can’t just walk away. The fact that getting divorced is still such a costly, drawnout, miserable business is, if anything, another deterrent to getting married in the first place. Why would anyone deliberately bar the route to the exit with lawyers, paperwork, access agreements and – especially for men – possible financial ruin?

“Ah, yes, divorce,” as the late Robin Williams mused. “From the Latin word meaning ‘to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet’.”

And yet, despite all this, people still get married. Among gay couples, the marriage rate is actually increasing. Perhaps that’s because, being new to the institution, they can appreciate what remains of it. They can see that marriage still has its uses; not so much as a social framework but as a personal one. In a world full of the cornucopia of choice, there is comfort to be had in narrowing one’s options. It’s a message to yourself, as much as to the world.

“Why do people get married?” I asked my husband, just before I started this piece. “Because they want to show their partner how committed they are,” he replied, with a nervous glance. “Because it’s nice for the kids. Because you have to make a decision eventually. And because once you’ve stood up in front of everyone and made a huge fuss about how much you love this person, it’s too embarrassing to leave them.”