Another dream in tatters for squeakily indignant Miliband
I’ve missed Ed Miliband. I mean it. I used to love writing about him. Like all the greatest comedy characters, he had such a wonderful air of pathos.
Tony Hancock, Harold Steptoe, Alan Partridge, David Brent, Ed Miliband – each of them was a little guy with a big dream: a dream that, as everyone but they could see, was doomed to failure from the start. That was what made them so special. You always had to feel for them, however much you laughed.
What a treat, then, after all these years, to see Mr Miliband launch an unexpected return to the public eye yesterday. Journalists glowed with excited nostalgia. It was as if John Cleese had announced a new series of Fawlty Towers.
The former Labour leader had come to the Commons to give a speech demanding a second round of the Leveson Inquiry. And his performance did not disappoint. Mr Miliband, fans will be delighted to learn, has lost none of his unique gifts.
All the old moves were there. The furious wagging of the index finger. The startled, goggling stare. The frantic squawking and spluttering, that make him sound like Donald Duck choking on a peanut.
Ah, happy memories. If anything, he sounded even more squeakily indignant than I remembered. “We have a Government saying, ‘Let’s dump this promise!’” he shrieked. “How dare they, Madam Deputy Speaker! How DARE they!”
The more he spoke, the crosser he got. Soon he’d worked himself into the most tremendous flap. Whirling, flailing, reddening, swiping the air. His hair bobbed around manically, desperate to keep up with the rest of him, and only just clinging on.
Jacob Rees-mogg politely requested he give way. “No, I will NOT give way!” shouted Mr Miliband. (This outburst seemed to take even Mr Miliband himself by surprise. Ten seconds later, in a small and somewhat sheepish voice, he agreed to give way after all.)
Mr Rees-mogg’s manner was rather more composed than Mr Miliband’s, but his views were no less forthright. The freedom of the press, he declared, was “so overwhelmingly precious that we should preserve it even if sometimes the press upsets us”. To his deep concern, however, the UK had in recent years plummeted down the league table of press freedom. “We are now behind Trinidad and Tobago,” tutted Mr Rees-mogg. “But, perhaps most insultingly, we are even below … the French!”
Tory MPS blanched. Below the French! This was no longer a mere matter of press regulation. This was a matter of national honour.
At four o’clock came the time to vote. Then, to a hushed House, the results were announced. And what a heartbreaker it was. By just nine votes, Mr Miliband’s plea for Leveson round two had been rejected.
Poor Mr Miliband. Another dream in tatters. On behalf of the sketch-writing community, I hope it will not discourage him from attempting another comeback.