Pessimism and puns: are we talking Brexit or Eurovision?

At a time when the country should be pulling together, and getting behind our efforts to emerge triumphant from Europe, how sad it is to hear MPS talking Britain down.

“British music is the best in the world – except when it comes to the Eurovision Song Contest!” complained Sir David Amess (Con, Southend West) at Culture Questions.

The Eurovision final doesn’t take place until tomorrow – yet Sir David was already writing Britain off. Talk about Project Fear.

Michael Fabricant (Con, Lichfield) was even more defeatist. “Does the Secretary of State share my dismay,” he asked, “that Brexit doesn’t mean we’re leaving the Eurovision Song Contest?”

Matt Hancock, the Culture Secretary, begged him not to lose heart. Yes, results had been disappointing, but he should keep faith, even if success was taking longer than expected. “Whenever something goes wrong, we should try, try and try again,” said Mr Hancock. “And maybe, eventually, we’ll get there.”

Was he talking about Eurovision, or Brexit? I’m afraid I’d lost track.

To lift MPS’ spirits, Mr Hancock treated them to some musical puns. “Mr Speaker,” he declared proudly, “We Are the Champions [Queen, 1977] of British music. Music contributes a Price Tag [Jessie J, 2011] of £4billion to the economy. So we’ll keep on supporting it, so it’s Rockin’ All Over the World [Status Quo, 1977]!”

The Commons is often criticised for being aggressive and unpleasant. Yet during this little performance, not a single MP pelted Mr Hancock with balled-up order papers, or jabbed him in the groin with the ceremonial mace. It speaks volumes for their powers of restraint.

Eurovision aside, the big topic was Channel 4’s plan to leave London. Before inviting questions, Mr Hancock made clear that the location of Channel 4’s new HQ would be chosen by the broadcaster. It wasn’t for him to decide.

MPS completely ignored him. “Does he agree that Glasgow would be ideal?” asked Deidre Brock (SNP, Edinburgh North and Leith).

Mr Hancock said it wasn’t for him to decide.

“Wouldn’t Birmingham be a better choice?” asked Sir Patrick Mcloughlin, a Midlands Tory.

Mr Hancock said it wasn’t for him to decide.

“Does he agree that Sheffield deserves a place on the shortlist?” asked Labour’s Dan Jarvis, the new Mayor of Sheffield.

Patiently Mr Hancock explained that if MPS wanted to argue about locations, a debate on the subject was to be held later in Westminster Hall.

“Does he agree that Glasgow ticks all the boxes?” asked the SNP’S Brendan O’hara.

Mr Hancock said that, while Glasgow was lovely, it still wasn’t for him to decide.

“Isn’t Birmingham the obvious choice?” asked Mr Fabricant, another Midlands Tory.

Maybe they were just paying him back for those terrible puns.