The PM’S fudge will have the UK singing
Britons want both to Leave and to Remain. So, Mrs May’s compromise will keep everyone happy
Aclassic case, I’m afraid. Schizophrenia. Split personality. Fantasy and reality all mixed up. Two heads on the same body. The usual symptoms: anger, frustration, self-harm. Hallucinations. Paranoia. It’s like a timebomb. It might go off at any moment.
And only one doctor who recognised the signs: the Prime Minister. As soon as she saw our Referendum Test Results, she saw right away that we the people want two things at the same time. We conform with Freud’s Law of Ambivalence, which states that human beings can love and hate the same object at the same time.
The simplest of examples: we want a strong border to stop the immigrants flooding in. But we don’t want lorries backed up the M20 on the way to the Calais ferry for our holiday.
She understood exactly what we want. Two things at once. To Leave. And to Remain. This is called compromise, sometimes insultingly known as fudge. She saw that is what we need. Fudge for breakfast. Fudge for lunch. And fudge for dinner.
You have heard it said this is a “sickening insult to democracy”. A “slap in the face”. “Riding roughshod” over the people. But I say the PM is following most accurately the “clearly expressed mandate” of the “Sovereign will of the people” for a reasonable compromise – the golden mean, sweet moderation in all things.
Welcome to Maurice’s Fudge Shop, where we serve fudge with chocolate sauce and a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side, with clotted cream for MPS and whipped for Peers. Maurice’s Fudge began shortly after the referendum when we started to make homemade fudge in our farmhouse kitchen. Philip and Theresa are now regular customers at our Maidenhead branch. And we all look forward to the day when she comes back from Paris with the exciting news of the deal she has done over leaving the EU.
It will be a photo opportunity shared across all televisions, all platforms, all devices all over the world. It will immediately go viral, downloaded 1.2 billion times in 43 seconds. There are three people in the picture: German Chancellor Angela Merkel, French President Emmanuel Macron and, standing between them and slightly in front, Mrs May. The backdrop is the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
Mrs Merkel speaks first: “Today, every citizen of Europe gives thanks to Prime Minister May for this historic agreement, which guarantees the peace, prosperity and security of all the people of Europe.” A spectacular firework display then illuminates the Eiffel Tower.
The PM comes home in a special plane of the Queen’s Flight. She is driven to Buckingham Palace to inform Her Majesty of her progress. Returning to Downing Street through crowd-lined streets under a pale May sun, the Prime Minister speaks – a lone figure, standing at the now familiar lectern outside the door of No 10. She announces: “We are no longer a member of the EU. We are now a partner of the EU.”
The crowd roars its approval as she reports: “All our red lines have been achieved. We are no longer a member of the single market. We are now a member of the Single Platform. We are no longer a member of the customs union. We are now a member of the customs group. We are no longer under the jurisdiction of the European Court of Justice. We will not ‘take account of ’ or ‘have regard to’ the decisions of the ECJ. We will have only ‘due regard’ to its rulings, and we will no longer submit to ‘free movement’ of persons.” Turning from the world’s cameras to speak directly to the British people, she says: “I have carried out the task you gave me. I have delivered the will of the British people. I now await your further instructions.”
As she turns to enter No 10, some reporters shout out: “Prime Minister, Prime Minister! Nothing has changed.” But their voices are drowned out by the spontaneous singing of the citizens outside the gates: “For she’s a jolly good fellow and so say all of us!”
She is voted one of the greatest prime ministers of all time, and a grateful nation erects a bronze statue of her in Parliament Square. On the plinth are inscribed her historic words: “If they won’t budge! Fudge!”