Mind your PMQS Jeremy ... just occasionally they’re worth reading out

Put Jeremy Corbyn in front of his cheering fans, and he can talk without notes until the cows come home. Put him in front of the Prime Minister, however, and it’s a different story. His eyes almost never leave his script. He ploddingly reads out a question from the piece of paper in his hand – and then, irrespective of what Theresa May has said in reply, he ploddingly reads out the next.

Some weeks he sounds so bored that I wonder whether he’s even listening to himself, let alone to Mrs May.

Perhaps the Labour leader thinks that, in the grand scheme of things, PMQS just isn’t very important. Fair enough. But his strategy is not without risk. What if he reaches into his pocket, produces the wrong piece of paper – and reads out that, instead?

“Mr Speaker! Two pints almond milk. One loaf sourdough. Two packets Linda Mccartney sausages. One bag cat litter.”

(Mr Corbyn sits down to await Mrs May’s answer. Diane Abbott prods him in the ribs and hisses that he’s read out the wrong piece of paper. Mr Corbyn sighs, rummages in his pocket, and produces another piece of paper.)

“Mr Speaker! TO DO. Ring grandson re computer not working again. Order organic fertiliser for marrows. Attend rally in support of Peruvian butterfly farmers. Tell Seumas to print out list of questions for PMQS.” (Mr Corbyn sits down to await Mrs May’s answer. Diane Abbott kicks him on the ankle and hisses that he’s read out the wrong piece of paper again. Mr Corbyn sighs, rummages in his pocket, and produces yet another piece of paper.)

“Mr Speaker! Corbyn Attacked by MPS Over Brexit. A group of moderate Labour MPS last night accused Jeremy Corbyn of secretly supporting a so-called ‘hard Brexit’.

One backbencher said: ‘Surely by now it’s obvious that the gibbering old fraud is as big a Brexiteer as Jacob Rees-mogg. It beggars belief that Remainers voted Labour last year because they imagined Corbyn had some cunning plan to stop Brexit. And no, don’t print my name, or the vindictive old goat will order his cult to get me deselected.’”

Yesterday’s PMQS followed the usual pattern. Still, Mr Corbyn did at least read from the correct piece of paper. Which was good, because for once his team had supplied him with a decent line.

“Mr Speaker!” read Mr Corbyn. “When the Prime Minister said she wanted ‘as little friction as possible’, was she talking about EU trade – or the next Cabinet meeting?”

Mrs May smiled tartly, then hit back with a scripted joke of her own. It was about Mr Corbyn’s call to trigger Article 50 the day after the referendum – before a plan had been drawn up for the talks.

“He wouldn’t even have had a white page,” she cawed, “let alone a White Paper!”

Triggering Article 50 without adequate preparation. Imagine that, Mrs May.