English may be our great virtue, but MPS prefer double Dutch

What attracts foreign firms to Britain? Simple, Liam Fox told the Commons yesterday. We have low taxes, skilled workers, great universities, a respected legal system. And crucially, added the International Trade Secretary: “We speak English.”

Well, most of us do. But do government ministers? I listen to them in Parliament every day, and I’m not so sure.

Yesterday morning alone, I heard Greg Hands (a trade minister) boast that Britain and the EU had “a very important read-across”. I heard Victoria Atkins (the Minister for Women) state that a “recent toolkit” expected businesses to “embrace three asks”.

And I heard Dr Fox himself promise that his department’s new website would “attract more investment in middle-sized opportunities”.

I can just about work out what they each meant. But I’d rather they had said it in English.

The Government’s king of opaque jargon, of course, is Philip Hammond, the Chancellor, with his talk of “delivery model options”, “encouraging complementarity” and “issues chewing up bandwidth”. Similarly befuddling is Greg Clark, the Business Secretary, who has spoken of “green infrastructure corridors”, “net improvements on all dimensions of sustainability”, and “a localist approach to creating a buffer of housing supply”.

But the most incomprehensible minister of all is their boss. Read the sentence below. Theresa May said it in the Commons last October. It isn’t a parody. You can check Hansard.

“Given the way things operate,” said the Prime Minister, “it is highly unlikely that anything will be brought forward during that period that has not already started discussions through the European Union to which we are being party of until we leave and on which we would have been able to say whether they would be a rule that we would sign up to or a rule that we would not wish to sign up to.”

I hope no bosses of foreign firms were listening to that. “No point investing in Britain, gentlemen. They don’t speak English.”

Later, on Sky News, Dr

‘There’s no point investing in the UK, gentlemen, they don’t even speak English’

Fox was asked for his thoughts on Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. He said their marriage would strengthen ties between Britain and the US. Or, in his words: “It will be a very helpful adjunct to that relationship.”

What an old romantic. I wonder if he talks about his own marriage like that. “Yes, Mrs Fox has proven to be a very helpful adjunct to my day-to-day activities. When I submitted to her a comprehensive proposal outlining the mutual benefits of forming a marital partnership, she indicated that she considered the venture advantageous, and capitalised upon the opportunity with alacrity. The relationship was ratified 13 years ago, and I can confirm both parties remain satisfied with the terms of the deal.”

I’d love to read his poetry.