Lisa Armstrong
OK, perhaps the wedding invitation to Windsor got lost in the post, or perhaps it didn’t (with readers of this paper, you never know). But either way, and whatever events you’re attending this summer, what you say, do and wear will play a crucial part in their success.
Don’t succumb to a bonkers moment in the salon and come out with a view-blocking bouffant
Weddings are the cause of more ageing hair than any other event, including childbirth. You go in for a blow-dry, clutching a picture of artful tousled lusciousness à la Léa Seydoux and emerge looking like Princess Michael of Kent. What happened? A last-minute crise
de confidence and a “shall we just spray it one more time for luck?” is what. Go to a hairdresser you’ve tried, tested and trust and ask them to do “you” but even more gorgeous. And stick to your guns. If location and timings mean you can’t get to your regular, make sure you turn up with a foolproof cut, do your research and book early. “When it comes to styling,” says Joel Goncalves at Nicola Clarke for John Frieda – and he should know, he does some of the most effortless-looking cuts on the planet “less is more. And more… always adds years”. You need a do that doesn’t.
Don’t look miserable in the pictures because you’re freezing
We’re talking cover-ups that are not, a) blankets/ pashminas, b) cardigans, c) your partner. A good wedding outfit is just that: an outfit, not a single item. You wouldn’t serve tiramisu and call it a meal. Same with a dress: it requires several courses.
Don’t ring on the day to ask for directions/ whether there’s a list/ what the dress code is
Yes, this is all vital intel, which is why you should have gathered it weeks ago. But calling the main protagonists for guidance three hours before the ceremony may get you disinvited on the spot. Much of the information will be contained, both explicitly and implicitly, in the invitation.
Did it, for instance, come in the form of a Whatsapp image with a cat gif attached, or as an embossed stiffie with HRH somewhere in the script, in which case we can assume there won’t be a pay bar and ripped jeans won’t cut it.
Is it in a Gloucestershire field (in which case, pretty tea dress) or Mayfair (tea dress still OK but sharp accessories a must)? If you’re the type who loses invitations, take a picture of it immediately, plus the accompanying map. If you lose phones, email it to everyone who knows you (but not those “friends” who were deliberately left off the guest list).
Don’t try to be cool
While fashionistas often say they prefer to underdress (in some circles looking as though you just threw it all together on the spur of the moment is a badge of cool), when I asked about this at a readers’ event recently, the audience unanimously said they’d prefer to overdress than underdress, on the basis that you can always tone it down once you get there. I agree. This doesn’t mean cocktail wear in the daytime (never confuse glitter with gloss) but it does mean you can leave the hat on the back seat if that feels more appropriate. If you look and feel great, then have the courage of your convictions and focus on enjoying yourself and stop agonising about other choices you could have made. There’s more than one way to get a wedding guest look right.
Be as ‘fashion’ as you like
They like you, or they wouldn’t have invited you. And even if they hate you but had to invite you because you’re married to one of their parents, a last-minute makeover isn’t going to make any difference. In other words, don’t wear something that feels completely alien (unless you’re a man under strict instructions to wear morning suit for the first time in which case you’re going to love it. Men always do).
Pinpoint a genre that makes you look and feel a gazillion bitcoins (if in doubt ask a friend who’s good at this sort of thing, or one of those department store stylists) and nab yourself the best possible version.
By being as “fashion” as you like
What isn’t acceptable is not making an effort. See above. Other than that, codes are surprisingly flexible, even at royal weddings. It’s about capturing the right spirit and engaging with the occasion.
If you adore extreme trends and are dying to wear your new satin Gucci leopard-print peplum dress over trousers with your Balenciaga knife booties then go for it. It might not be within a million hectares of what everyone else is wearing in that Norfolk marquee, but they’ll salute your panache.
Choose an outfit you can dance in
It may seem an insignificant afterthought. But do you know how many rows they had over the playlist? You will dance, and you will look as though you’re having a good time. That Mcqueen pencil dress and jacket that makes you feel like Maggie Siff in Billions? Not the time and place. It doesn’t have to be floaty, but soft is good, or expertly structured with movement in mind. If lean and mean is your MO, fine, but make it a trouser suit rather than a skirt suit. And cut yourself some slack – literally – around the crotch.
Don’t remove your shoes (at least not before 2am)
Discarding your shoes by the dance floor is not stylish. Choose a pair that won’t wreck the lawns or your ankles. It’s not that hard: a two-inch block heel stylishly attached to your foot (there are some adorable chunky straps and statement buckles around) should do it.
If you’re the type who can’t be parted from her 4in stiletto mules, then presumably you’re also the type who can dance well in them.
Remember to send thank-you letters
Such a small task for you, such a huge afterglow for them when they’re suffering the mother (-of-the-bride or -groom) of all post-wedding comedowns.
Don’t worry if you’re four weeks late. They’ll appreciate it even more. Even if they didn’t pay for anything, the parents deserve your written gratitude as much as the bride and groom – unless they got blind drunk, got into a punch-up with the new in-laws and ended up face down in the cake.
Actually even then… your searing irony may bring them to their senses. But be warned, do not send tacky “humorous” cards.