HOW ENGLISH ARE YOU?

1. You fancy a girl. Do you:

a) Ask her out to listen to a string quartet, and then take her out for sushi, and sake?

b) Take her to the pub, down five pints and only start talking to her when the bell for last orders rings?

2. You’re in the bank and someone pushes in ahead of you in the queue. Do you:

a) Think nothing of it, and push in front of him?

b) Garrotte him, crying: “My greatuncle didn’t die on the beaches of Normandy to see Britain’s right to wait in a queue hurled aside for a mess of pottage.”

3. The waiter refuses to come and take your order. Do you:

a) Click your fingers in mid-air, bellow “Service” and set fire to the tablecloth to attract attention?

b) Sit in silence and lick off the condensation on your spoon for survival, rather than make a fuss?

4. The sun comes out. Do you:

a) Stay indoors, draw the blinds and enjoy several stolen hours of bliss with your athletic lover, while discussing Proust.

b) Race outdoors in your pants and baste yourself in cooking oil?

5. Is God:

a) A wise, bearded figure who belongs to no nation and to all nations?

b) A mixture of William Shakespeare, Winston Churchill and Roger Bannister?

Answers: