Davis is at his most dangerous when behind enemy lines
This week, Theresa May dared to defy David Davis over his demands on the so-called customs backstop. As Tory Brexiteer Nadine Dorries was quick to point out on Twitter, the Prime Minister was taking a grave personal risk.
“He’s EX-SAS,” the MP for Mid Bedfordshire warned Mrs May darkly. “He’s trained to survive. He’s also trained to take people out.”
The Prime Minister would be wise to heed Ms Dorries’s advice. As is well known in military, political and intelligence circles, Mr Davis’s physical prowess is matched only by his intellectual acuity.
Listed below are 10 remarkable but true facts about the 69-year-old MP for Haltemprice and Howden.
1) During his time with the Territorial SAS, David Davis was trained to kill a man using only a 20p coin, a pair of gardening gloves and a rolled-up copy of Woman’s Own.
2) Author Ian Fleming freely admitted that the character of James Bond was inspired by David Davis. Indeed, the plot of Fleming’s 1961 novel Thunderball was based on the true story of how, during a family holiday in the Bahamas, a young Davis retrieved two nuclear warheads from a one-eyed criminal mastermind while beating a shark to death with his bare hands. Other fictional heroes inspired by David Davis include Ross Poldark, Harry Flashman, Biggles, Indiana Jones, Han Solo, Optimus Prime, and Lion-o from Thundercats.
3) David Davis has mastered a wide range of martial arts, including karate, origami, pastrami, macramé, Asti spumante, and Haruki Murakami. He is also a black belt in jujitsu, tiramisu, Nosferatu, Mogadishu, and Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
4) David Davis once solved a Rubik’s Cube just by staring at it.
5) In his youth David Davis hoped to pursue a career as a boxer, but the sport’s governing body denied him a professional licence on the grounds that he posed too great a danger to other competitors. The authorities refused to back down even after Mr Davis offered to fight blindfold and with both ankles tied behind his head.
6) While playing Scrabble with his family, David Davis once put down a word that scored so many points he was immediately awarded that year’s Nobel Prize for Literature.
7) David Davis can bench-press a Ford Mondeo.
8) David Davis is fluent in no fewer than 23 languages, including Japanese, Portuguese, Sundanese, manganese, pilates, antifreeze, and cottage cheese.
9) During a childhood game of catch, David Davis accidentally brought down a commercial airliner. Fortunately no passengers were harmed, as Davis caught the plane moments before impact, then launched it back into the sky using a rudimentary catapult that he’d constructed at primary school from used lavatory rolls, a box of paper clips and an elastic band.
10) During a guest appearance on Countdown in 1988, David Davis solved Fermat’s Last Theorem. After the recording, producers offered him a seven-figure contract to replace Carol Vorderman, but Mr Davis was unable to accept because he was busy attempting to rescue hostage Terry Waite from Lebanon using only a skipping rope and a pair of pliers.
Forget £350million a week for the NHS. Forget reducing immigration. Forget signing trade deals around the world. The very first thing we must do after Brexit is this.
Get rid of the EU’S General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR).
In principle, I was all for it. Protecting the public’s privacy online. Helping us control the use of our personal data. Sounded great. But ever since the EU’S new rules came in on May 25, I’ve hardly been able to visit a single website without being instantly deluged by pop-ups about cookies and privacy settings and God knows what else. I’m not actually sure. I never stop to read them. In desperation to get rid of the hateful things I automatically click “accept”. For all I know I’ve just signed away my life savings.
Honestly. It’s too much. I don’t care about my privacy any more. Take it away. Take my data, my NI number, my birth certificate, the PIN for my debit card, and the diary I kept when I was 14. Anything. Please.
Just let me read pointless rubbish on the internet again without being forced to click an unread box first.
Yes, it’s that time of year again. The sun is out, the skies are blue, and Maria Sharapova is in the locker room, warming up her vocal cords. Once more, the grunting season is upon us.
And it’s already off to an impressive start. While watching the quarterfinals of the French Open tennis this week, Greg Rusedski was startled by the awesome powers of grunting on display.
“Does anyone have any earplugs for these ladies’ matches,” asked the former men’s No4. Some of the players, he protested, were “louder than a 747”.
Mr Rusedski went on to argue that all players, both male and female, should be banned from grunting. He believes that the noise can put an opponent off his or her stroke.
Personally, though, I don’t think a ban is the answer. I propose the following alternative.
Each time a persistent grunter is about to hit the ball, the coach of the opposing player is permitted to let off an air horn, a car alarm or a firework. At match point, the coach may resort to a whoopee cushion or eating a bag of crisps with his or her mouth open.
All we want is a level playing field.