Let the World Cup fashion battle begin
Forget their prowess on the field – it’s the teams’ off-pitch kits that have already marked them out as winners or losers, says Dan Jude
Muhammad Ali used to say that a fight is won or lost before either boxer steps into the ring: if you can get inside your opponent’s head, you’ve already done half the job. But while boxers can win the psychological battle through trashtalking, footballers – not known for their articulacy or eloquence – deploy a different technique: fash-talking.
Fash-talking is simple: you gain a competitive advantage by being better styled than your competitors. Why do you think defenders are scared of Cristiano Ronaldo? Sure, he’s one of the world’s greatest players, but, more importantly, he looks immaculate in a suit. Was Beckham England’s best player? No, but whether he was rocking a sarong (France, 1998), a mohawk (Japan and South Korea, 2002) or a flared tux (the infamous pre-world Cup party, 2006), Golden Balls used the art of distraction off the pitch to become one of England’s most feared players on it.
Ever since the 736 players participating in the 2018 World Cup starting arriving in Russia earlier this week, we’ve been treated to a smorgasbord of statement-making outfits. And while there are a few individual standouts (France’s Paul Pogba in knee-high, over-trouser socks was a particular highlight), most of the boldest fash-talking has come from whole teams, many of whom have sought to assert their authority before the tournament has begun.
This year’s 32 teams have gone all-out in the battle for off-field sartorial supremacy, with a spectrum ranging from the traditional to the unorthodox, the sublime to the absurd. What better way, then, to determine this year’s winners (and losers…) than by examining their fash-talking abilities?
Iceland
The Nordic underdogs may have broken English hearts at Euro 2016, sending the Three Lions limping out, but they won the admiration of fashionistas the world over. Dubbed the sport’s most hipster team, they had it all: Game of Thrones beards, slimfitted suits, full-body Viking tattoos. On and off the pitch, Iceland had arrived.
All of which makes the class of 2018’s attempt so disappointing. In pairing navy trousers with brown Oxford shoes, the smallest World Cup nation have inadvertently gone full Jeremy Clarkson. The ill-fitting suit jackets and skinny ties appear to have been panic-bought in Topman for a stag do in Billericay. An early exit is on the cards for the fallen Icelandic warriors.
Egypt
Mo Salah may have been the Premier League’s top scorer last season, but he and his Egypt teammates have scored a horrible own goal when it comes to their World Cup clobber.
The double-breasted suit is trying to scream fashion-forward Savile Row, but a series of reprehensible faux pas sees Salah’s side facing relegation. Wearing trainers with a suit is fine… if you’re in sixth-form… and it’s the Nineties.
It would almost be forgivable if the trainers were synchronised, but look closely and you can make out a hodgepodge of sneakers, ranging from blue-tongued Adidas kicks to a miscellany of tennis shoes. But the pièce de résistance is the Balthus tie knot: substantially bigger than the humble Windsor, it’s the flourish of choice for truant teenagers, and leaves the Pharaohs’ World Cup chances dangling by a thread.
England
Oh, England. We thought maybe, just maybe, this would be our year. A young team of fresh faces, a chance to take risks, do something different and achieve results that the squads of yesteryear couldn’t.
No, we’re not talking about the football, we are, of course, referring to their M&S suits, which are, well, about as M&S as suits can be. This isn’t a criticism per se: M&S make lovely suits. And, at £413 all in, this navy number would make a splendid gift for the discerning dad this Father’s Day.
The problem is that, after decades of drudgery on and off the pitch, there was a modicum of belief that this England side, with an average age of just 26, would be more… exciting.
Based on this painfully safe showing, however, it’s Same Old England. Get ready for some dreary nil-nils and a lethargic last-16 exit. Probably to the Germans. Probably on penalties.
Panama
Fun fashion fact: Panama hats are not from Panama. The straw hats
actually originate from Ecuador, but the name stuck after President Theodore Roosevelt donned one during the construction of the Panama Canal in 1906.
Regardless of this piece of trivia, the Panamanian football team chose to arrive at their nation’s first World Cup all sporting Panamas.
In itself, this decision isn’t that surprising. What is curious is the manner in which the hats are being worn: the majority of the team favoured a curious look, fully extending the brim upwards to create a “taco shell silhouette”.
Panama may be the rank outsiders at 1,000-1, but if they’re capable of reinventing a 400-year-old hat, there’s no telling what they might be able to do on the pitch.
Iran
If Love Island did football, the result would be something like the Iran 2018 World Cup team.
After pictures of the hirsute, muscular Iranian squad arriving in Russia were posted earlier this week, the internet went into meltdown over the best-turned-out team of the World Cup.
It’s all there. The clean, pressed white shirts. The oversized aviators. Slim-fit navy suits, undulating over a sea of muscle. Chiselled jaws, hidden behind pristinely trimmed beards. David Gandy-esque hair, gelled to within an inch of its life, glistening in the Russian sun.
Iran may not be footballing giants, but they are the new kings of couture. If they can translate some of this style onto the pitch, they’ll be a real threat.
Brazil
Tone-on-tone dressing is an art form. Get it right and you can transform the most basic of outfits into a show-stopper. Get it wrong, and you can look like you’re going to a fancy dress party as a Teletubby.
As you would expect from the team that arguably plays the most stylish football in the world, Brazil have mastered tonal style, opting for an opulent royal blue suit, shirt and tie combo.
Self-confidence is key to the success of pulling off this look, and 26-year-old Neymar Jr isn’t short in that department.
While the suit itself – with a classy, embroidered Brazil logo – is pretty special, it’s the accessorising that takes the outfit to the next level. Note the shimmering gold rucksack, casually reflecting Neymar’s subtle golden highlights; the cordless Apple Airpods, a deliberate rebuke to the garish, oversized Beats headphones of 2014. Simultaneously understated and self-assured, this look perfectly captures the dualism of Brazil’s relaxed yet exuberant style of football. Expect the five-time World Cup winners to go all the way.
Nigeria
If fashion were the only discriminator for World Cup glory, the trophy would already have been handed to Nigeria. When their new kit – a wonderfully eccentric, zigzagging, retro number – was showcased earlier this year, it was dubbed the greatest World Cup kit of all time, receiving some three million preorders before going on sale.
No surprise, then, that Nigeria also won at World Cup fash-talking the second the team stepped off the plane.
While most squads have opted for designer suit-and-tie combos, the Super Eagles touched down in Russia wearing buba and sokoto, a traditional two-piece cut from immaculate white cloth. Everything about this outfit is sensational, but the detailing is particularly impressive, with a green trim on the bowler hats matching embellished stitching on the jackets. The tasselled, Gucci-style slippers add a final flourish.
Pomp, swagger, panache… this look has everything. If Nigeria can channel this on the pitch, then they’re a dead cert to be holding the trophy in a month’s time.