Lords kick a Bill around and get home for match
AS THE battle over Brexit resumed in the Lords yesterday afternoon, the tension in the air was palpable. And with good reason.
“My Lords,” began Labour peer Lord Grocott, “I’ll speak very quickly, as like everyone else I want to watch a football game this evening.”
Lord Callinan, a Conservative, thanked him for his “wise words”.
“I’m sure many English members will want to watch the game later,” said his Lordship. “I hope that Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish noble lords will not wish to unduly frustrate this process.”
And to think – some people call the Lords a load of ermine-clad elitists out of touch with the common man. Not a bit of it. All the lads want is to knock off early so they can get down the boozer, sink a few pints and catch the game. They’re just like the rest of us.
With kick-off in Volgograd looming, their lordships got stuck into business with impressive alacrity. They powered their way through amendments like Ronaldo through a packed midfield.
Until, that is, it was time to debate Remainers’ demands for a “meaningful vote” in the event of no deal. Then, things got tasty.
The peer making the rebels’ case was Viscount Hailsham, a Tory Remainer. From just a couple of places down the same bench, Lord Robathan, a Tory Brexiteer, glowered at him. “Could he say whether it remains his position,” he seethed, “that he wishes at all costs to destroy Brexit?”
Remainers groaned and heckled. “Oh, you are an idiot,” sighed one. Lord Robathan’s eye was caught by someone on the benches opposite. It wasn’t clear which peer he was looking at, or what that peer had done, but Lord Robathan was not impressed by it.
“If I may say so to the noble lord,” he said coldly, “that’s not a very parliamentary gesture.” He then swung back to Viscount Hailsham, and demanded to know what talks he’d had with conspirators from other parties. Viscount Hailsham glared at him with fury. He was, he snapped, perfectly free to talk to other parties if he wanted to: “We are not party hacks!” And no, he spat, of course he didn’t “believe in Brexit”, it was “a national calamity” – but that wasn’t the point. All he wanted was to give the Commons the “decisive say” it deserved! That was all!
It was quite a set-to. Real anger on both sides – or rather, the same side, given that the two men were on the same bench. Lord Lamont, a Tory Brexiteer, looked somewhat taken aback by Viscount Hailsham’s vehemence. “I’m having Sunday lunch with him in a few days’ time,” he murmured. “I shall make sure I’m at the other end of the table…”
Eventually everyone stopped bickering long enough to vote. The Government lost. Still, at least it was all over and done with in time for the England game. Result.