Learning the art of modern manners
Jo Bryant doesn’t look like the etiquette experts of yore. She isn’t 100, formidable or judgmental. “Sometimes it’s kinder to ignore certain rules,” she says. “The quest for social confidence is the main reason people come to me these days. Knowing the rules, and acquiring the confidence to play around with them, puts people at ease.
“Ultimately the aim of all etiquette is to provide a framework that puts people at ease.”
The 39-year-old is certainly in demand. When we meet, appropriately for tea (which, she says, is a growing industry, bringing so much money to the hotel sector that traditional tea hours last all day in some cases), she has just come from a “theatre-talk” that was part of a corporate “spouseprogramme”. The subject? Taking tea.
Isn’t that just a tourist fetish? Partly. Though as millennials turn their backs on alcohol, and coffee chains serve up ever more disgusting permutations, tea is, inevitably, fashionable again.
Social climbers and the army of royal obsessives on social media may be interested to know that curling your pinky when you lift your cup is infra dig, as is pouring the milk first…
What really matters is learning to handle yourself gracefully and effectively. Interviews and weddings are the two drivers of her consultancy. Behind these, one detects a general desire to oil the wheels of communication in a fragmented society. Manners are still prized, if not always practised, and Bryant’s mission is to decode the rules into language that’s relevant to the modern world.
She didn’t set out to be an etiquette arbiter. A Benenden alumna, she studied English at the University of East Anglia, then worked in publishing for Debrett’s, where she suggested they update their approach. There followed 15 books, including A-Z of Modern Manners and Etiquette for Girls.
She isn’t bothered if people use “serviettes”, or go to the “toilet” (although for the record, she refers to each as napkins and loo). “But I’m not going to police my children about it,” she says. “I’m more interested in them acquiring the skills that will give them the edge in a world where so many now have amazing paper qualifications and accomplishments. Good manners are undoubtedly a part of that.”
The interview
What you wear is very important. So many applicants for the job will have the necessary qualifications. Soft skills will give you the advantage.
Show a bit of personality, but unless it’s a really creative place looking for mavericks, don’t show too much.
Invest in a good coat – one that fits easily over a suit, if that’s what you’ll be wearing.
Research the company. What are the offices like? Furnish yourself with as much information as possible.
Have a big enough bag so you can hide your trainers and Thermos.
Make sure you can walk in whatever shoes you choose to wear.
Wear tights. Flesh is distracting, especially once you sit down
As for that first office party, if you’re unsure, look at the #officeparty tags on Pinterest or Instagram – there may be more pressure than ever to look good, but there’s also more info.
The Season
The invitation has a lot of clues. Does it come from Mr and Mrs Octavius Farquar- Chomondeley- Codpiece or Storm and Noah? Is it embossed or an original drawing? Lunch or evening? A slick, modern, urban building or a small village?
We’re in quite a formal era fashionwise – maxis and midis, high necklines, even a return of hats, so it’s quite easy to find Season-friendly clothes at all price points.
You won’t have to sacrifice your fashion credentials to look appropriate.
Shoulders should be covered in church, especially the bride’s.
Don’t be a misplaced rebel. At Glyndebourne, the (optional) black tie dress code was originally introduced as a mark of respect for the performers. The dress codes are for many, part of the reason they enjoy these occasions. If you object, don’t go.
The graduation ceremony
Dress for the venue. What people wear to one of the grand Oxbridge colleges may differ from a ceremony taking place in an old sports hall. Again, social media can be a useful guide.
Always wear shoes that you can tolerate all day.
This probably isn’t the moment to be the one stealing the show. As with all new outfits, sit down in it before you buy it to check how it looks during and after… Comfort and sleekness bring confidence.
Turning thank you into an art
Ideally you should send a thank-you letter within 7-to-10 days, but if you miss the cut-off, don’t let that deter you. Most hosts are touched to receive a handwritten card weeks after an event. Try to think of some memorable moments to include – it doesn’t have to be long. When it comes to replying to invitations, aim to respond within 72 hours out of consideration for the hosts, but it’s also good for your own admin. Don’t be one of the stragglers.
Overcoming camera shyness
All kinds of parties now have a de-facto red carpet area, so you might as well learn how to look your best in photographs.
If you’re standing, assume a loose T formation with your feet. Your weight should be on your back leg.
Never stand straight on to the camera, opt for a 45-degree angle, as it’s more slimming.
Pull your shoulder blades back towards your bra strap. That will automatically make you stand straighter.
Keep arms slightly away from your sides of body to avoid bat-wings.
If you’re sitting, crossing your legs makes you look wider. Practise holding your knees together and tilting them at an angle to elongate the legs à la Duchesses of Cambridge and Sussex.
Looking up at the camera like Bambi may work for a certain genre of selfie, but do that from far away and you’ll have a double chin. Keep your chin parallel to the floor. Projecting your head forward a tiny bit slims your chin.
A big wide smile can be delightful, but it will obliterate your face in a picture. Practise smizing – smiling with your eyes, while your lips have a relaxed, Mona Lisa cast to them
Lastly, avoid all those power poses. They might work for Angelina Jolie but look ridiculous on civilians.
You can find out more about Jo at jobryant.com For more etiquette tips from Jo visit www.telegraph.co.uk/fashion