Belgium v England - now what on earth could we compare that to?
MPs are extremely keen on the World Cup. Or at least, extremely keen to show you they are. Liam Fox, the International Trade Secretary, instructed his press secretary to email every journalist in the lobby, making sure they all knew that he was the first Cabinet minister to fly the England flag from the roof of his department. But Boris Johnson was hot on his heels, tweeting a photograph of the flag flying from the roof of the Foreign Office (“Showing our support for Gareth Southgate and the team!”). Not to be outdone, John Bercow, the Speaker, ordered it to be flown from the roof of the Commons.
Being a humble backbencher, Mike Wood (Con, Dudley South) didn’t have a department to fly a flag from, but was determined to do his bit. He wore an England-flag tie. “Very natty,” adjudged Mr Bercow, pointing it out for the Commons to admire.
“Thank you, Mr Speaker,” beamed Mr Wood, blushing proudly.
Officially MPS had gathered to find out what debates Andrea Leadsom, the Leader of the House, had scheduled. Many, though, seemed rather more interested in discussing the football. In particular, the elimination of Germany.
“In light of yesterday’s events in Russia,” honked Ian Mearns (Lab, Gateshead), “could the Leader of the House explain what the word schadenfreude means?” Mrs Leadsom did her best to be diplomatic. “Mr Speaker, I did actually feel quite sad for Germany. That was such a difficult blow for them.” Her sentiments might have sounded more convincing if she hadn’t been smiling quite so broadly.
“I was sorry to see Germany go,” said Paula Sherriff (Lab, Dewsbury). “Mainly because I had them in the Labour MPS’ sweepstake.”
But Philippa Whitford (SNP, Central Ayrshire) wasn’t laughing. She has a German husband, Dr Hans Pieper.
“Last night was fairly traumatic in our household,” she sighed. “Still,” she added, brightening, “it does spare me having to watch another several weeks of football.”
A Member of Parliament, admitting that she doesn’t like football? Sacrilege! Deselect her now! Pete Wishart (SNP, Perth & N Perthshire) was looking forward to watching the Belgians take on the English. And not just in Russia.
“As Gareth Southgate’s finest get ready to face the might of Belgium, the Prime Minister is off to Brussels,” he hooted. “But where Southgate has Harry Kane, the Prime Minister has the Foreign Secretary, with his woeful disciplinary record. And where Southgate’s side is a well organised unit, the Prime Minister’s couldn’t be more shambolic – and likely to score a series of own goals.”
Mrs Leadsom waited patiently for this cascade of topical satire to subside.
“What the honourable gentleman didn’t tell us, Mr Speaker,” she said sweetly, “is who he’ll be supporting today. Is it Belgium – or England? The Prime Minister – or Michel Barnier?”
The House was left to make up its own mind.