Love that’s right under your nose
As numbers of midlife relationships soar, Eleanor Steafel explains how your perfect partner might have been there all along
As the harassed parents of Jake, Ben and Karen on BBC comedy series Outnumbered, Hugh Dennis and Claire Skinner perfectly portrayed the ups and downs of middle-class marriage and parenthood. Pete and Sue Brockman were the every-couple. For seven years, they had parents around the country howling with laughter as they watched the Brockmans cope with everything from nit outbreaks to hormonal teenagers.
They lived in a Victorian semi in west London – he was a long-suffering history teacher at the local comp, she a part-time personal assistant who spent every spare moment looking after ageing parents, mad sisters, and their growing, demanding brood. Theirs was an utterly unremarkable, but wonderfully relatable, life. The programme’s refreshing realism quickly made it a firm family favourite.
Outside the show, both Dennis, 56, and Skinner, 53, were happily married – he to his second wife, Kate Abbotanderson; she to TV director Charles Palmer – and each had two children.
After the final series ended in 2014, and their own marriages had sadly broken down (Skinner is said to have split from her husband two and a half years ago, while Dennis separated from his wife in 2015), it seems they discovered there was more than just on-screen chemistry between them.
It has been revealed that the Brockmans have been secretly dating, in real life, for more than a year. A source told a newspaper: “They were going through marriage breakdowns at very similar times, but it was quite a while after their separations that they got together last year.”
The source added how, having worked together for all that time, they didn’t see each other for two years after the show ended. “They’ve always been really friendly, but they were living their own lives until they were both single,” the person said.
The two had been open with friends and relatives about their newfound love – but most people hadn’t “quite cottoned on to it”, the source added.
Dennis has since confirmed the relationship, saying: “I am very, very happy, we are so very happy. It’s nice and, yes, so lovely.”
It’s the romantic tale that every midlifer looking for love – especially second-time round – secretly hopes for. That intoxicating idea that, just maybe, after all those years, the person you were always meant to be with was right in front of you all along.
And it could be happening more and more. The Office for National Statistics says that, between 2009 and 2014, marriage rates among the over-65s rose by 41per cent among men and 56per cent among women.
Hannah Martin, 46, and her partner Max, 53, were both divorced when they fell in love at the advertising agency where they worked. Hannah says in some ways a second chance at love is just as sweet. “Just because you’ve been married and you’re older, doesn’t mean you don’t have all the butterflies, hope and expectation – all the things that come with a new relationship and the excitement of it,” Hannah says. “They’re just as strong, and just as valid.”
Like Dennis and Skinner, the couple kept their relationship private for as long as possible, wanting to get to know each other in a new way – far from the prying eyes of friends and colleagues. “Everyone has their own agenda and expectation,” says Hannah, who now runs an online magazine for mums called the Talented Ladies Club. “We kept it very much under wraps. It felt exciting, because you had this secret. It became a bit more special because of that.
“Now we have a daughter (I already had a son) and we’re getting married this year. We waited a while, though. We wanted to get it right this time.”
Dr Lynne Jordan, psychologist and specialist in relationships, says it’s not surprising that many midlife daters are finding love in familiar places. “Generally, people have a firmer idea about who they are and what they want,” she says. “If you’ve come out of something difficult, you will have a much stronger idea about what works, and what doesn’t, for you.
“But the older we get, the more baggage we carry. That can make it difficult to trust. So, perhaps, if you do have someone in your life that you’ve known for a long time, but not in that way, it would be something that you’re more likely to pursue because they’re safer territory.
“Plus, you don’t have that sort of pressure about children – do I want them? – which puts additional pressure on a relationship. So you can take more risks.”
Anna Pearson, 51, met her partner Paul, 52, at university. “He was attractive, but I always felt he was a bit of a player back then,” she admits.
‘Just because you’re older, doesn’t mean you don’t have all the butterflies’
“He had loads of girlfriends, and I started seeing someone else seriously in the second year, so nothing happened between us. But we kept in touch, and went to each other’s weddings. We started emailing about work, as we were both lawyers, and shared funny stories and annoyances.”
It was only much later, when both their marriages began to falter, that Anna began to rely on Paul, confiding in him more and more.
“By our mid-40s, we were both divorced. I was back in London, and we started meeting up as mates. I loved the fact that he remembered who I was at 18, and still liked me 30 years later, and vice versa. Gradually, it became clear that there was a romantic spark there, too,” she says.
Things progressed slowly, with the couple taking a few months to admit that there was an attraction. “That was five years ago,” says Anna.
Knowing each other for so long as friends has made their relationship stronger, she adds. “We’ve seen each other through so many eras and in so many situations.
“I’m glad we didn’t get together when we were young. I don’t think we’d have had the wisdom to appreciate each other the way we do now.”