Tory MPS stand out in the game of the name
Funny things, names. Read the list of sitting Tory MPS. Remarkable, isn’t it, just how many of them sound like Tory MPS. Giles Watling, for example. That could only be the name of a Tory MP. Same goes for Sir Hugo Swire. And George Hollingbery. And, for that matter, Jeremy Lefroy, Guy Opperman, Sir Peter Bottomley, Sir Henry Bellingham, Sir Nicholas Soames. Their names are just so … Tory. So Tory, in fact, that if you were writing a political satire, you couldn’t possibly give your fictional Tory character a name like “Giles Watling” or “Sir Peter Bottomley”, because your editor would say, “No, no. Far too clichéd and cartoonish. It’s like calling him ‘Lord Posh’ or ‘Sir Percival Snooty’. I know you want readers to see what a dotty old toff he is, but no one really has a name like that. Could you come up with something a bit less on-the-nose?”
To be fair, though, not all Tory MPS have such Tory names. I was thinking about this yesterday, during Treasury Questions. Speaking for the Government was a minister named Mel Stride. Mel Stride! That doesn’t sound like the name of a Tory MP. That sounds like the name of a 1980s football agent. One who chain-smokes cigars the size of rolling pins, and has just arranged for a winger from Spurs to record a duet with Samantha Fox.
Sitting next to Mr Stride was another junior minister. This one was called John Glen. Great name. Sounds like the hero in a Highland version of Poldark. Hear that soundtrack swell as he emerges dripping from the loch, big John Glen, naked but for the sporran he was born in.
Among the Tories asking questions were Steve Double (Cockney wide boy from a Martin Amis novel), Alberto Costa (Italian full-back), and Kirstene Hair (guitarist with a 1990s grunge band). Asking questions for Labour were Catherine Mckinnell (romantic novelist), Liz Twist (excitable kids’ TV presenter), and Barry Sheerman (1970s aftershave model).
It was a quiet day in the Commons – had you guessed? – but there were some revealing non-answers from ministers. MPS repeatedly asked about the rumoured rise in fuel duty. The question was dodged, in turn, by Chief Secretary Liz Truss (who changed the subject to SNP tax rises), Chancellor Philip Hammond (who waffled about Brexit), and Mr Stride (who said vaguely that the Treasury was “looking at taxation”). Prices up at the pumps, then.
Afterwards, we witnessed a historic parliamentary first. Gavin Williamson, the Defence Secretary, was making a statement about Isil – when his phone interrupted him.
“I’ve found something on the web on Syrian Democratic Forces,” a computer-generated voice told the House, loudly.
“I do apologise, Mr Speaker,” said Mr Williamson. “It’s rare that you get heckled by your own phone.”
It’s said that Mr Williamson would love to replace Theresa May. He’d better get a move on – before his phone replaces him.