…But which side wins the game of life?
Forget today’s World Cup match with Sweden for a moment: Guy Kelly pits England against our friends in the Norse to see who comes out on top
At 3pm, when Gareth Southgate’s happy few meet Sweden in the World Cup quarter-final, England will be taking on not only the most well-drilled side in the tournament – a team of dashing, flaxen Vikings who’d happily defend for a fortnight – but also a country with the world’s most awe-inspiring reputation.
Lie back and think of life in Sweden. What do you see? Probably a rough approximation of utopia: beautiful, clean streets walked down by beautiful, clean people; high levels of gender equality, low levels of crime; stylish retail superstars, four unstylish musical superstars; green spaces and green policies; impeccable education and a royal family that’s firmly just for show.
The world in general, and Britain in particular, has been in thrall to Scandimania for the best part of a decade now, but are our friends in the Norse really living in paradise, or simply employing the world’s most effective PR strategy? Forget the football, it’s time to find out who wins at life…
Happiness
According to the 2018 Happiness Index, published by the UN in March, Finland is the happiest country in the world, followed by Norway, Denmark, Iceland, Switzerland, Netherlands, Canada and… Sweden. The UK, despite having a lower suicide rate than a lot of those nations, including Sweden, came in at 19.
Having said that, this week’s “The Future of Britain: Five Years On” study found that Brits are 9per cent more optimistic today than we were in 2013.
That’s despite: protracted Brexit negotiations, more bad news stories than there’s space for, no majority government, many of our cultural icons being either dead, disgraced or both, and everything else. Swedes, on the other hand, were once asked by the Swedish Institute of Public Opinion Research to describe themselves. The top adjectives included “envious”, “stiff ”, “dishonest” and “xenophobic”.
Still, can’t argue with the UN. The Scandis nudge ahead.
Score: England 0 – 1 Sweden
Tax
The top personal income tax rate in the UK stands at 45 per cent. In Sweden, it’s 61.85 per cent, one of the highest in the world. Yes, everything is clean. Yes, everything works. And yes, the average wage hit a record high this April (of £14.81 per hour). Still, that tax bill must sting. We’ll give it to England. In off the bar.
Score: England 1 – 1 Sweden
Music
In the home dressing room, we have The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, the lesser half of Fleetwood Mac, The Kinks, The Clash, The Smiths, Joy Division, Queen, Wham!, Pet Shop Boys… We have Bowie. We have Radiohead. We have
Dusty. We have Kate Bush and Elton. We have The Libertines. We even have Coldplay and Adele.
They have Abba. Damn, unplayable. Score: England 1 – 2 Sweden
Detective dramas
Sweden’s most prominent offering in the great Scandi Noir torrent is The
Bridge, a shared production with Denmark about detective Saga Norén. Its fourth series had an average of 1.5million viewers on BBC Two. At its peak, Midsomer Murders – the most quintessentially English detective drama ever – pulled in four times that.
Nettles at the far post, and we’re level again. Score: England 2 – 2 Sweden
Cuisine
Tricky one, this. What is Swedish food? To most people in this country, it’s meatballs at the end of a five-hour trip to Ikea for a waste paper basket.
In reality, like other Nordic nations, there’s a lot of herring, some open sandwiches and the de facto national dish, kanelbulle (a cinnamon bun).
Here, we have fish and chips, Yorkshire puddings, scones, bubble and squeak, chicken tikka masala, bangers and mash, scotch eggs, mince pies, actual pies, and London, a city vying with New York for the best and most varied restaurant scene in the world.
Too much class.
Score: England 3 – 2 Sweden
Parenting
Sweden’s ageing population is viewed as a ticking time bomb, and quite why more of them aren’t having children is a mystery, given they’re all so attractive. In Sweden, couples are entitled to 480 days of paid leave when a child is born or adopted, shared by both parents. It works, too: playgrounds are full of “latte papas” and Sweden has the fifth narrowest gender gap in the world. The UK’S is 15th. All square again.
Score: England 3 – 3 Sweden
Royals
On the face of it, the House of Bernadotte vs the House of
Windsor looks like another contest of style versus substance.
The Swedish royal family are quite maddeningly attractive, especially Prince Carl Philip and his sisters Crown Princess Victoria and Princess Madeleine, but then there’s the entertainingly scandal-hit king, Carl Gustaf; the popular princess who married her personal trainer; and that prince who shaved his beard off mid-meal. It’s an impressive line-up, so how can we compete?
With the Queen, of course. Once again, our strength and stay. Score: England 4 – 3 Sweden
Nobel laureates
The Nobels are handed out in Sweden each year (well, all apart from the peace prize, which Norway gives), but how do they fare?
Well, in 117 years, Sweden boasts 31 Nobel laureates. The UK? 129. Get in. And that’s it, we even beat them at their own game. It’s a rout. Score: England 5 – 3 Sweden
Football
Final score: we’ll find out at 3pm.