Situation vacant: Prime Minister and Leader of the Conservative Party

This is a challenging position requiring a statesman or woman of the highest calibre. The successful candidate will have a passionate belief in his/her country and a willingness to fight for it with every fibre of their being.

You will have superb communication skills and an ability to connect with anyone, be they a Grenfell Tower survivor, a raging narcissist or the president of the United States. Nerves of steel and eyes in the back of your head a distinct advantage. You will have a bold, optimistic vision of Britain’s future and the eloquence to communicate that optimism to people of every age and background. An ability to intuit what voters really care about and turn it into popular, practical policies is essential.

You must be prepared to respect the wishes of the country, and the majority of your own party members, and leave the European Union. Doubters and friends of Brussels need not apply. Ditto anyone who hides behind the sofa when England is taking penalties.

● London (central)

● Salary: £142,500 per annum plus town and country house and cat, Larry (negotiable)

● Full time, although can be terminated by “loyal” colleagues