The lists that will get you through life

Idon’t know if you read the story about the octogenarian who crashed her car into the village fete marquee, after which a list was discovered next to the driving seat. It read: Key in ignition. Foot on brake. Start engine. Gear lever into D. Foot off brake.

She got that much right, to be fair. It was after that it all went pear-shaped.

There are two possible responses to the discovery of this aide-memoire. One: “Can you believe it? Old people are a total liability!” Or, two: “Ah, yes, a ‘List for Life’. While a list for driving may be a list too far – we get it.”

A Life List can make the difference between feeling calm and in control, and very much not. We’re talking about those fivepoint lists designed to stave off panic in everyday situations. We’re saying, before you judge the lady in the Toyota RAV4 (though feel free if you are now laid up in a neck brace in Norwich hospital), first ask yourself: have you never compiled a checklist that others would find disturbing, or sad?

For example, how to…

Not lose sunglasses

Put them back in case. Don’t put on table. Don’t put on head. Don’t tuck in front of top. If lost, look in dishwasher/garden pots/ kitchen drawer.

Keep neighbours on-side

Memorise names (especially of au pair). Warn them about party (pretend it’s eldest child’s). Take delivery off courier, even though they are in. Offer to loan them hedge clippers. Let them know you know they had a party that went on until 4am, and you are fine about it.

Work the oven (for Him)

Two lines: oven. One dotty line: grill. Spiky snowball symbol: fan oven. Never go one to the left (light bulb): will explain. Adjust temperature (250 ALWAYS TOO HIGH).

Arrange flowers

Put three in a triangle. Put a different three in a triangle. Put in the green stuff. Put one in the middle. Shake it a bit.

Cope at the hairdresser’s

Ask for an inch off, if thinking nearer two. Say in too much rush for head massage. Never look in mirror. Pretend working on phone. Tip generously.

Approach a party

Eat a banana on the way. Smile a lot. Get a drink down fast. Don’t talk to women having nanny issues/men in the middle of divorces. If entrapped, wave at a stranger and rush over. If necessary, claim a case of mistaken identity.

Make a poached egg Leave the house (for Them)

Check heating off (including in summer). Check TV off. Check freezer and fridge door shut. Check no washing in washing machine. Check no taps running.

Not get drunk

Drink out of small glass. Add lots of ice. Put the glass down. Eat the crisps. Keep adding ice.

Not bore your godchild

Be up to date with

and have an opinion on Georgia/sam. Have seen Wolf Alice live. Hide all single-use plastic. Give them a vintage T-shirt. Have a very old tattoo.

Things not to mention at parties Work the TV

Turn on red button on narrow remote. Press big button on fat remote. Wait for digital time clock. Press Sky button. Press TV Guide. Come on, everyone has this one, surely?

Lists for

life Why everyone needs a few little reminders

A Life List can make the difference between feeling calm and in control, and very much not